To my family, friends, and peers I am sorrry. I am sorry I'm always busy. I'm sorry I sometimes push off things I need to do for you. I'm sorry if I make it hard for you to get time to be around me. I'm sorry that I'm selfish sometimes. But before you condemn me, please try to understand. Try to understand why my priorites seem so wrong and I'm always at the Rescue Station. Try to understand why I'm always away. Try to understand why I'm always finding new things to do. Let me state for the record, that my priorities are chemical.
Adrenaline, Serotonin, Dopamine, and Acetylcholin power my desires. They give me special feelings I can't really find anywhere else. When I sit in an ambulance my neurotransmitters fire off to give me feelings on contentment, security, familiarity, and the sense of belonging. When dispatch tones me out and I start responding to somebody who needs help adrenaline kicks in and makes me feel empowered, important, and responsible. When things get hectic on scene I find myself finding enjoyment in the chaos around me, because I know I'm helping somebody in need. When I'm thanked by somebody I feel a rush of pure elation, pride, and satisfaction. All these feelings from 4 little chemicals in my body. You could say my volunteer work is a psychoactive drug. The reason I'm always doing it, always wanting more, always taking opportunities to be there...is because I'm addicted. Addicted to those feelings. Addicted to the chemicals. And my priorities are chemical like anybody else's.
Now I'm not trying to say I'm a drug addict or a crazy, but I will not deny that I am a chemical addict. Those chemicals give me emotions. And those collection of emotions make me feel like I am a person I can be proud of because not much else does that for me. It's my passion, please try to understand.
So next time you want to hangout but I'm at the station..next time I suddenly decide to pick up a night shift and it's but an hour before that shift starts..next time I push off things you wanted done so I can go run duty..please don't condemn me for it. Just understand I can't stop doing what I love because it is my hobby, my passion, and my addiction all in one package. I never knew what I would find to be my one thing that clicks in this life, but I found it randomly like anybody else does. So please, don't condemn me for it. I just have chemical priorities. I just love what I do.
