You know who I am, I know who you are. You probably hate me a little bit and I don’t blame you in the slightest. I get it. We are human and things happen. Feelings are a hell of a drug, huh? And miscommunications are just icing on the cake. Right? We talked and got to connect with one another or at least I thought, before it came to a spiraling end. If I could take back all the conflicts, I would. But we seem to be past that point unfortunately and maybe that's all it was ever meant to be.
I like to think otherwise, honestly. I refuse to believe that some things are better left unsaid.
To this day, the fall out doesn't sit right with me and I can't help it. It's just the type of person I am and I don't expect you to understand. Our relationship (if that's what you'd even call it) was always one sided.
I tried reaching out and being kosher countless times when problems started to rise. Sure, which made me seem a little nuts but I was just trying to be the peace keeper, that's all I ever am. Was I wrong to be? I didn't want to degrade you in any shape or form, although it was so easy for you to do so to me.. You tried to paint me out to be some sort psycho. Had all your buddies add me and harass me anonymously. TO THIS DAY. But why? What do you get out of it? In the end, it doesn't add up. I'm the one with him, you know? So, what use do I get out of "trying to be you?"
I don't mean to step on your toes here, but years ago, when he could've went back to you that one more time, he chose me. Time and time again, we both know he'd still choose me. Some things are just not meant to be and that is entirely okay. Moments mold us into who we are and we grow from them. Like look at where you are in life now. Im sure that beats the past as does mine. I am grateful to be in the place I am.
It honestly just baffles me that you would ever think that I could be insecure of a relationship you had when you were THIRTEEN. You were in your prime weren't you? I've only been with him for how many years now.. I'm not trying to pick a fight here though, seriously. I just had to get that one point across.
Obviously in the beginning I was curious of the girl my husband loved before me but weren't you the one to reach out to me? I see.. Well, it branched from there and I started to actually value you as a person. Maybe even a friend? Wait. Did I just say that? It's not like we texted everyday or anything.. But then it all blew up.
We both will continue to tell everyone that we're prettier, funnier and smarter then the other but deep down we wonder if that's really the case. In the end, we are who we are and I wouldn't change a thing. I have grown to love myself as I'm sure you will too, if you haven't already. Regardless, only you can say.
The truth is, we could have been friends. We started to at least, or was I blind to the situation the whole time? Surprisingly, I can see why we got along so well in the beginning. We obviously have similarities. There is no way you can deny that. Twist and turn it all you want but deep down you know that's not the case and I'm not crazy. It bothered me a bit to learn that we are alike, but is that really a bad thing?
Sure, we could have talked about his quirks and his charms and the way he always has to sleep on the left side or how he would take you to another world when he danced. Or the fact that he's good at everything, which is sometimes annoying. But we wont because that's just weird.
I don’t want to think of him sleeping on the left side of a bed that isn’t mine or a nice bed in New York without me on his right. Or to share similar moments of that god awful basement full of drunken teens and sweaty men playing ITG. But honestly, who doesn't wanna forget those days? (Can you see the humor there) Even still, there are millions of other things in the world we could've connected on and plenty of aspects to ourselves that make us entirely different from another.
We could've embraced our common interests but instead I'm a "stalker." Say what you will but I know where I stand and I'm not writing this to point fingers. Just keep in mind that whenever you throw dirt, you lose ground and there is always three sides to every story. I just needed to put my thoughts out there and who knows maybe even reach others going through the same thing. If there is any. I feel like this is an unusual situation.. Oh well.
The thing is, you reached out to me first.
Don't get me wrong, I was more than happy to comply in all the advice you needed and daily talk we engaged in, with open arms. Then coincidence after coincidence racked up, putting that stake in the middle.
Coincidences are a strange thing and I strongly believe in them.
They go hand and hand with balance as well as everything happens for a reason. In which you actually told me you're a firm believer in, as am I. Or do you not think like that anymore? They are pretty much the same thing.. I like to think us talking was all about synchronicity and that is why we seemed to be on the same wavelength.
But that's just me.
I could've in plenty of ways put you out to be that psycho ex who is trying to be me and still obsessed with my husband but that's not me. That's like the same as you saying I'm jealous of you, the girl whose no longer with him.. I hope you are just being your genuine self and not influenced of who I am as a person, which brings us back to "coincidences." Only you know the real answer as I, my truth.
By any means, I do not have any desire to be you whatsoever. No, I don't have people out to get you, pin pointing your life and filling me in. Can you say the same though? Sure, there are those few instants that some of our mutual buddies reach out to me with something strange but that's all it ever was. I've been at the point where I don't even care or wanna hear about it anymore.
And yet, the never ending coincidences still occur.
It is what it is.
Although, I will say this. I can't help but still be baffled as to how you could take a genuine gift and turn it into something ugly. You were struggling with money and complaining how expensive clothes were and shared your address online for people to send you things..
So, I thought it would be a nice gesture to reach out and send you something we connected on. I must of missed the memo of where a baby outfit with a tree on it will get you the response as if someone discovered a bomb.. But let's be real, nowadays, who doesn't love trees or the tree of life? But I only like them because of you right? Not the fact that I've been about them since the day I could walk and talk.. Which I got the love for them from my mother.
Sorry, I don't wanna get carried away here. This post isn't about me proving myself because I honestly don't need to. I know where I stand and what has always been and so don't those who have known me. That's all that matters honestly. We both don't need to explain ourselves.
Don't get me wrong, when I talk about us being connected. It doesn't mean I want to be you or I'm in love with you, obsessed or however you wanna put it but the fact that I believe in one love. No matter how many times you want to deny it, we are connected.
All of us.
Everyone living and breathing thing In life is. Don't you remember watching the lion king and learning of the circle of life? Its practically the same thing. Every moment has a ripple effect, which branches us to moments that leave us in awe of déjàvu or thinking its a "small world after all."
We imprint on all those around us. Isn't that why you believe our fingerprints never fade form the lives we touch? Or is that just my view of it?
Regardless, after everything I don't hate you and I wish you the best. I am glad you have found someone who loves you in a way you should be and now, you know the meaning of unconditional love with that sweet little boy of yours.
Even distance apart, we still seem to be on the same frequency. I don't know. I'm just a spiritual freak and these constant similarities fuel my belief.
If not that, then maybe you're just out to get me? Because if coincidences don't exist then how else would we explain the never ending similarities?
You're still friends with my brother in law for crying out loud, you will always have more visual to my life than I ever will with yours. Do you use that to your advantage?
I don't know.
I'm not accusing you either. I'm just taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. I guess I will never know and this is why I had to put my thoughts out to the world.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me but there is only so much a person can do. Through all the negative tension and bitterness that may come now and again. Just please know that I really do think you’re something special, you had to be for him to love you so and I don't hold anything against you.
Life is too short not to make peace with your past. I hope things can be civil between us in the future. I'm just waiting on your end and if not, I send my love anyway.
Namaste.
