Its five years now, a lot has happened, since I last seen you. I've won a regional championship, graduated high school, moved 8 hours away, made Dean's List in college with a 4.0, and I play college hockey. But I know you know all of this of course. You know there is a lot I wanted to learn from you, ask you, and experience with you. I know we weren't as close like some son and fathers are. I'll admit I blame myself for that, I could have called more, or could have even asked to come see you more. I find myself every single day since you have passed thinking about you. Whether it was a Tuesday class at night, or when I say my prayer right before I get on the ice. You are always on my mind. I know was a lot to handle as a child, and looking back I wish I wasn't. I've gone back to visit you and Harbor Beach one, it's really tough to go there. I remember the beach trips we would take, the fair we would go to, and after the fair stay and watch the fireworks, and most of all I miss that we'd always go get ice cream from the ice cream shop. I'm mad they closed it down by the way. When I went to Harbor Beach I stayed with grandpa, and I had an incredible time. We watched this show, that I always watch when I see it on, or think of it. We had pizza and just talked, I truly cherished every second. The next when I was about to say I was ready to leave, he asked if I wanted to go to the store with him, and I told him I would love to, and I am so glad I was able to go with him. I blame myself quite a bit actually thinking of why you passed. Why didn't I call more? Why didn't I text more? Could I have done something to rethink it. I find myself thinking that in some way it was on me. I wonder if I was good enough, if I did something wrong, and it's my fault. I wonder what if I had one more day with you alive, would this not have happened. You know it was at 11:47a.m. in Arch 2, five years ago today that I was pulled out of class, and told to go to the office. I didn't know what to think, then I saw mom and Kyle there and knew something happened to someone in the family. I asked at least a hundred times for them to tell what happened. Finally I asked in the parking lot and mom told, and I broke down. We got home and I sat in the car looking forward trying to process it all for 1 hour and 46 minutes exactly. It's really tough, I find myself asking God why, and I apologize to him, and to you because I think there is always something I could have done.
You motivate me for everything I do, whether it's for school, hockey, or whatever it may be I am always think of mom and you. By the way she did an awesome job, I cant imagine how hard it was on her to try to deal with what happened, while trying to help us, and figure things out for the future. She is truly amazing. Furthermore, I think of you a lot. Before every game I find somewhere and play Superhuman by Juventa and pray, then "draw an arrow out" and "fire it" towards the sky so you will get it and hear it. Also, I brought back my first juniors, and college hat trick puck for you. I know you'd be proud of me for that. I wish you were here for so many memories of mine that I wanted you to be apart of. Like to actually see a college game, see me graduate college, eventually get married, and wayyy down the line you'd be able to see grandchild, and hear them call you grandpa, and so many more. Man I f***ing miss you. Sorry for swearing, but man it sucks. I will never forget the memories we made. My first time on the looney tunes bike, road trips for hockey, your Budco year lunch thing, you always drinking a Pepsi, whether warm or cold haha, watching black and white shows, or NASCAR. I remember you picking me up for the first grade, and telling everyone that you were going to pick me up that day, in the black Ford Ranger. I remember when you were around AP and you gave Kyle and I our gifts, the playing cards, I still have them. I remember giving you the hug before you left, because I would miss you. I have found myself so angry at you and God, but it happened for a purpose. Now I know there were bad times, but I forgive you for those, because I want nothing bad to think of when remembering you. I wish for one more moment, one more conversation, hell even one more second. That would be all I would need, one more second. It's crazy how fast things can change. I'm sorry I am all over the place but there's so much I want you to know. Dad, I love you, I miss you, I want everything for you even though you aren't technically here. There are a lot of things that sparks memories of us, whether it being lyrics in a song, sayings in a movie, how a father and son are in shows, anything that I can relate to you, I smile and think of you. I look forward to a life that you are still apart of, and will always watching over me. There is some much more I could say, so I will leave this letter open so we will have so much more to talk about the next time I see you. I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH DAD.
Till next next time..
Your Little Man.
