To my daughters father
When we got back together things were great. You swept me off my feet. You told me how you wanted to get married and start a family. Everything I ever wanted with you. You told me how much you loved me and how you wanted me to take your last name. The first few weeks we great. It was how I always imagined us. Then... I found out I was pregnant. You were scared at first. You didn’t know what to say. Then you said you’d be there. Against my better judgement I believed you.
We went on living our lives me pregnant and you doing what you always do. Then I went away with your daughter. My sweet girl and my friend and her kids. Everything seemed great. Until we got back. I found underwear in your bed. You cheated on me while I was away with your daughter. I tried to move past it but I couldn’t. I checked your phone and saw girls names. I was crazy the me I didn’t want to be.
Then we broke up. A week or maybe two at the most later you had a girlfriend a girl you talked to while I was pregnant. I didn’t cause a scene I left it. You were “happy” and I was happy for you. I went to every appointment alone. I had all my cravings, all my long nights, all my discomfort, all my worries, all my pregnancy scares alone. And I didn’t worry you I didn’t want to bother you.
You promised you’d be there. And when she was born you didn’t come to the labour which is half my fault I didn’t want you there after you not acknowledging me or our baby my entire pregnancy. You wanted me to abort her this perfect child and I wouldn’t. You begged me you made me feel unworthy of being a mother. You used every low blow possible. Eventually you said you’d be there for me and her financially and emotionally. This was when I was still pregnant I naively believed you.
But now she’s here. And where are you? You saw her the day after she was born. You didn’t even hold her. You haven’t seen her since. You missed so much she’s perfect she’s so smart so strong and so much her own person. And do you know who she reminds me of everyday? You. But you aren’t here. You don’t see her. Her sister does your other daughter. And only because I pick her up from school so she can know her sister. I drop her off to you after our visits and you don’t even come out to see our daughter. You can’t even be bothered to walk down the stairs to say hello.
You know what it breaks my heart my daughter will never know her father. It breaks me more then anything in this world; more then when you broke my heart. Especially because when she’s older she’s going to wonder why you are there for her sister and not her. But she is going to know she is loved. She is going to know how incredible she is. And if I only succeed at one thing as being a mother it will be her knowing she is the most amazing, caring, loving and strong person I’ve ever met regardless of whether you wanted to know her or not.
So in short. Thank you for giving me her. And making my life so much more incredible and worth living everyday. And fuck you for abandoning us. You’ll wish you didn’t miss this someday and it’ll be to late. You can never get a first back.
