I sit here as our precious child sleeps and a million thoughts run through my head about you, about our child. I no longer hate you, but pity you. I’m not sure if, or when, I will ever be able to fully forgive you though for the anger, frustration, sorrow, fear, and distress that you have brought into my life, and to this family. It truly astonishes me sometimes, not that you probably care though. Sometimes I’m not sure whether to despise you, or thank you… maybe both. After all, you did give me the most precious gift I could ever receive; our beautiful baby boy. While you are out running the streets, making your deals, trying to hide from the cops, i'm with our son spending precious moments with him.
Sometimes I wonder how I once saw so much potential in you. Things you obviously could not see in yourself, otherwise we probably would not be in our current situation. I had hoped one day you would see them too. I stayed by your side, each time you said you were trying, and showed nothing but the opposite of that. I tried to get you help, begged you to go get help. Now more than ever I know that only you can help yourself, if you ever get to the point where you are ready to help yourself, if the drugs don’t take you before then that is. I have to give it to you though; you sure can manipulate people like I’ve never seen before. But I guess maybe that’s the addict in you. You sure had me fooled a few times, not to mention the way I’ve seen you manipulate probation officers and judges.
When I found out I was pregnant with our son, it was one of the happiest and most frightening times of my life up to that point. I prayed that you would no longer let the drugs control you, and for a small period of time you gained back control of your life. That was short lived though, wasn’t it.
The amount of distress you put me through when I was pregnant, was at times unbearable. Even when I moved out, you still controlled me. And because of all the things you did and said, I have developed terrible anxiety. You put so much stress on our baby even then and less than 24 hours after I gave birth to our precious boy, you left us for hours to go get your fix. You chose drugs over your own son even then, just as you continue to do so almost 2 years later.
I have given you multiple chances to be a REAL father, to get clean, and be a positive influence in our son’s life. Each time though you chose drugs. First it was prescription drugs, then heroin, and now meth.
Do you ever think about the impact you have had, and continue to make on our son? Or is it ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME??? You say you want your son. That you want 50/50 custody but do NOTHING to prove you can be a parent and keep our son safe. It is all about you being selfish. What you want, when you want it. You have taken our son with you to go get drugs, you and your “friends” have been high in front of him while using heroin, and you have wanted to take our son to the very apartment where you and your girlfriend cook, and use meth! Despite your history and drug use, the courts have allowed you supervised visits. LUCKILY, you have chosen to miss those visits with our son. Not even so much as a text to ask how he is. Not that this is anything new. For that I say, thank you! As a daughter of an addict myself, I know that the best possible thing for our son is to have as little contact with you right now. You don’t have the first clue as to how to be a parent. You instead have chosen a life of crime, running from the cops, and getting high.
I know one day our son will begin to ask more questions, and wonder why daddy is not around. I will not lie to him. He deserves the truth. His father is an addict, and has a disease that he chooses not to get help for. I hope that you will not be an unknown constant in our lives (meaning I hope that you do not pop in and out of our lives every few months, when it’s convenient for you, and disrupt his life). Either get clean and man up, or just keep going. I know there may come a day when you realize all you have missed out on over the last two years, and for the years to come, that is if the drugs don’t take you before then. But if you care at all for your son, you know that coming and going whenever you please is not good for him. I also will not lie to him each time you go to jail. I will not tell him you are on “vacation’ as you have asked in the past. Just know that so long as you continue to have any rights to our child, I will always be watching you, reporting you when need be, and fighting like hell to ensure our sons safety. I never want him to have to see you high again, or find your drugs, or God forbid something worse. Because of you I have found strength in me that I never knew was there.
So don’t worry about child support, not that you pay it anyway. I will do what I have to in order to make sure he has the things he needs. Don’t worry about all the amazing things you have already missed out on, and all the 1st that are yet to come. I will be there, just as I always have been. And for all those moments you have missed, and will continue to miss, I pity you.
So no, I dont hate you. I thank you, again,for blessing me with such an amazing little boy who lights up my life every single day. Thank you for allowing me to raise him on my own right now so he doesn’t have to see the sad life you live, or see his father so disheveled. It breaks my heart to know that he will eventually go through his own feelings of sadness and maybe even guilt, because of your absence, but one day he will realize it has nothing to do with him, or anything he did. I hope he never has to fully endure your endless disappointments.
