I was 14 years old when I found out the man who had been raising me since i was 8, wasn't my real father. Before the age of 8 I remember wishing i had a normal family, a Mother who didn't have to work all the time to provide; A father who played games with me and let me be "daddy's little girl." I never understood where my father was, and to finally have one and that be torn away from me just because he wasn't biological was heart wrenching. Not that my dad was a bad dad...he just wasn't mine i felt and as a child you constantly convince yourself that your life is so horrible.
At 18 I started trying to find you. I knew your name, I knew that you lived in Louisiana. I knew you had a daughter named Ashley, and a son named Dennis jr. I longed to find my siblings. I had a sister through my mom, but i never had a brother and the thought of that was so exciting. I paid for websites like ancestry.com specifically just to find your address so that maybe i could get up the nerve to write you a letter, just to let you know i'm here...even though you've paid child support on me since birth.
At 21 I did it! I always looked your name up on facebook, I always hoped that if i seen you...id know it was you for a fact, and I did. I found about 4 profiles of yours and i added and messaged every friend you had on them until finally a woman wrote me back. She pointed me in the direction of my brother!!! I couldn't believe it!!! I didn't even have to think about what to say she messaged him and told him everything! I wrote him and he immediately responded!! I love him so much, I know that no matter how long him and i went with out talking if i was upset or crying i could call and he would answer every single time...and he does!
Then i began talking to you...The first couple of days was great, I found out i had a beautiful little sister named Elizabeth and she looks just like me!! We caught up and talked all day long, when we weren't on the phone we were texting and i completely got caught up in the fact that you seemed verbally picture perfect. I started questioning every reasoning my mother had given me for why she left you...but only because i was blinded and manipulated by the things you were saying.
Then one day I forgot to call you back...and I ended up getting caught up in my own adult life, so we went a couple days with out talking. One morning i woke up to a text from you...calling me a "fat dumb Bitch" saying there was no way i could be your child because none of your children were fat. Telling me i'm ungrateful and you never want to talk to me again. I had never been spoken to like that by an adult, someone who was supposed to be a parental figure to me. I argued back of course...i called my brother i cried and cried i didn't understand. He explained to me that something wasn't right with you. So i forgave you when you apologized.
Couple weeks went by everything was fine. Then all of a sudden one day everything was bad. You started calling me names and putting me down. You ignored my phone calls, you deleted me from facebook. You completely tore me down because I, the person who searched for you for 3 years after never meeting you for 18, wasn't trying hard enough for you...nevermind the countless birthdays, holidays, bad days, any day...that you missed. Nevermind the fact that you knew i was out there and you knew when i turned 18 and you still never reached out to me.
You commented on my facebook posts saying mean hurtful things about my weight...you changed your number and didn't try to contact me again until you and your wife were getting a divorce.
Its been a couple years now i'm 24. And we recently had our last fall out. You got mad that I slept in and didn't tell you happy birthday as soon as the sun was up. You deleted me off facebook and I sent you a message explaining this will be the last time, that im not reaching out to you anymore because every single time i have its ended in disappointment. Idk what made you the way you are, or why you think its okay. Don't forget this letter is just grazing everything you've put me through just with in the past 3 years. I'm almost thankful that my mother kept me from you. But if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have a second older sister who will call me in the dead of night just because i posted a sad post on facebook. Or a brother who i can call any day despite us not talking for months, and him listen to me cry and reassure me thats it okay. I also wouldn't have a baby sister who looks up to me and always wants to know what i'm doing.
Im okay with not having a biological father...I've always told myself you don't have to be blood to be family. My father who raised me, who has never missed a birthday since i was 8 years old. Who broke his back to give me a normal childhood, He is the reason I don't let men talk to me the way you do, and after experiencing you and your personality, I thank god for that every day.
