You lost your dad and I lost a man who was so welcoming and loving everytime I would come over. As we grew up you without a father and me always feeling slightly guilty for having a dad we became so close we were always a package deal and when I left for college I felt like I had left something essential at home. But eventually I lost my head. I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke and because you had already been broken you walked away.
This is where I pause and say at no point do I blame you or the fact the you lost your father for the end of our friendship but I want you to know what I was going through and why I fell apart.
Everytime and I had a fun story that involved my dad one of two things would happen I would tell you and watch you go from laughing with me while I was telling the story to realizing you would never have a moment like that. The face you would make broke my heart. It was the I want to be smiling right now but my heart is shattering face. So I resorted to option 2 not telling you those stories at all. I think this was my first mistake because I started changing myself to make sure you never hurt. Then I started feeling guilty about ranting to you about stupid things my parents were doing or how I could not wait to move out or really anything because you didn't have a father to rant about and no matter how hard my life seemed at the time... I still had my dad.
Basically I felt guilty. We had so many great times and I could forget everything and we were two carefree girls living our lives and dreaming our dreams. But at a certain point I couldn't handle the guilt anymore.
I don't know what it was about that night. The night that I got so drunk I barely remembered anything. The night I finally told you how guilty I felt for your dad dying. And how sorry I was that there was nothing I could do about it. Because you see at this point in our friendship I had become used to trying to save you from all this pain but I would never be able to because I couldn't bring your dad back.
After this night, you walked away from our friendship. I don't blame you. I just wanted you to know what was going through my head. I knew you were broken but I was so busy trying to keep all your pieces together I ended up shattering myself.
I wish you could have seen what I had been struggling with and I wish that you would have stuck around and tried to keep all my pieces together. But it didn't work out that way. Just know I will always miss our friendship and in sorry I couldn't have been stronger.
