To my best friend I pushed away because of my addiction

Subject: To my best friend I pushed away because of my addiction
Date: 26 Mar 2019

Picturing my life without you has always seemed like something that could never possibly happen, But now picturing my life without you is becoming more of something that seems possible. I tell Matt all the time how weird it is that we really aren’t friends anymore because over the course of our what 10-11 year friendship I think the longest we could stay mad and away from each other was maybe a month. Now here we are and I’m pretty sure it’s been over a year. I’m literally crying as I write this because of the fact that you are one of the most important people in my life. I know That I’m the main reason that I’m no longer your best friend. I pushed you away, I was using heroin and I know that with everything with kindle that was hard for you to watch. I guess I just thought that we would talk about what was going on and things would go back to how they were, like they always do.
But this time it didn’t, and I don’t think the fact that I’m not your best friend anymore that hurts the most. But the fact that I have so much going on in my life and I can’t call or text you like I always would even when it was dumb shit that I just had to tell you. As hard as it is to admit to myself or even think about but I’m not sure that we will ever be “best friends” again. You’ve made a whole new life and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. But I do know that I will never be able to replace who you were to me, or the things you did for me. You knew how to be there for me but also knew how to tell me when I was wrong, you never failed to be a shoulder for me to cry on, even if it was about something you told me not to do or if it was about a boy who had made me cry countless times you were still there for me. Ever since the day we met in 8th grade we clicked, we were together all the time literally attached at the hip. I didn’t have the best reputation in high school but that never bugged you, you were always right there by my side. How we had to pretend I was a completely different person to your dad just so you could hang out with me on the weekends. All the dumb shit we did when we would go out and party is high school, I’m surprised we never go into to much trouble. Even after we both dropped out of high school we still stayed best friends, still attached at the hip getting wasted all the time. Then I started getting into hardcore drugs but that didn’t matter to you, you never judged me and would still hang out with me all the time. Then in 2014 I got pregnant and you were pretty much the only friend that still came around and hung out with me. You came and seen me in the hospital after she was born and ever since that day you were her aunt, and even though she never really sees you anymore she still talks about how much she loves and misses you. Things were good for us for a long time. I think what really started the end to us being best friends was when we lost kindle, not immediately but within the first year I noticed us drifting and to a point I understood. I was using the same thing she was when she died and I know you hated seeing me like that and I don’t blame you.
But really it was my pushing you away because you never told me you didn’t wanna be around I just knew that you hated watching me kill myself slowly. It went from me canceling plans every once in awhile to me doing it all the time once I started shooting up. I just couldn’t let you see me like that. And it’s sad that I let my addiction cause me to think I couldn’t just be honest with you. Since I’ve gotten sober I’ve tried to make plans with you in hopes that I could have my best friend back, but they always fall through because you have a new life, new best friends and I’m just not apart of your life anymore. As much as it hurts I understand completely. I was toxic to your life and I’m sorry that I let you down, I’m sorry I was a shitty best friend, and most of all I’m sorry that I let the most important friendship I had go all because I didn’t know how to be around you with my addiction. But if there is one thing I know it’s that I will never be able to find a friend who was there for me the way you were. You never failed to show me compassion and love especially when I needed it the most.
You weren’t just a best friend to me you were family. My parents even thought of you as their daughter. No matter what happens between us you will always be my best friend, not just because of the fact that we were best friends for almost a decade, but because our friendship was genuine and real and you don’t come across many of those in your lifetime. I will never wish nothing but the best for you. This was super long and I’m sorry about that but I had to edit it down so it wasn’t a full on book. I love you forever and I’m thankful for the time that I got to be your best friend.