Our marriage is over and my world has fallen apart. I go through the motions and have become an Academy Award Winning Actress hiding my emotions in public. I still love you but don't know why. You abused me during our relationship as much as you abused alcohol, marijuana and Xanax. I was a casualty of your addiction. I lived most of my abuse behind closed doors with no one from the outside world knowing my pain and suffering. You are a high functioning alcoholic. You held the same job for 12 years (but did just get laid off), you are good looking, your parents are wonderful people, you are kind, a good father, you exercise and are in good physical shape, you are smart and even have an MBA. We were financially stable and you had a good life. In some ways you are even nicer than me. But it's all a facade. You are also hurtful, cruel, obsessive, belligerent, disrespectful, insecure, mean, abusive, jealous and controlling. TO ME. The woman who loved you most. I loved you more than I ever loved another man and you hurt me more than any other man. I wanted us to be a forever family with your beautiful son and our rescue dog who ultimately rescued me. I tried to give you more children but I couldn't. Four miscarriages later and you blamed me for having old, dried up eggs and we never had our child. Your addiction stole my hopes, my dreams, my fantasy and my life. I lost a husband, a stepson, a dog, a house and a life I wanted so badly. And in an instant you replaced me with a new version as if I never really mattered. You told me I was the love of your life and begged me not to leave. But after countless chances, I had no choice and you immediately replaced me. You told our mutual friend she's easy and I was controlling. Sadly, that may be true because she has not lived the last 5 years in your world. With your lies and your manipulation. She doesn't yet know what it's like to find airplane bottles of vodka between the mattress and box spring of your son's bed or take a sip of what you thought was water and have fire burning down your throat because it was straight vodka. She hasn't been accused of screwing other men or dressing to nice for work. She hasn't found bags of pot in the dryer or in your car. She hasn't been called horrible names and been held down on our bed by a man twice her size. She doesn't know you have 5 DUI's and are so lucky to even have a drivers license. She doesn't know the final straw was when you were drunk and about to drive 7 members of our family, including me and your son to dinner a half hour away with ice and snow on the ground. She doesn't know you used your 8 year old son as a pawn to try to get me to stay and told him I was leaving because I didn't love him anymore and then didn't let me say goodbye to this innocent child. I could go on and on but there is no reason. You know what you did. We both know your new girlfriend hasn't yet met the tiger that will release itself all in due time; because we all know 3 months later you are not suddenly recovered. This woman is seeing the man I married and fell in love with, not the addict. Are you that afraid of being alone? Are you that damaged? Did you really not love me? Do you even know what love is? Are you capable of true love? Or are you simply a narcissistic sociopath? My heart is in so much pain that I physically hurt. With all of my heartache, hatred and pain I could never replace you so quickly. I need to heal and want to heal. I still miss you, our life, our dreams and our family. But I will move forward. I will get through this. I will fight to survive and to find my rainbow and a new, happy life. In my darkest of days I still hope for your sobriety. I hope for the sake of your son you find a way to beat this disease before you truly hit rock bottom and end up dead or in jail. You are being enabled by those who say they love you like your parents and a few remaining friends. But I could no longer be part of the problem. I chose me and so I finally left. I hope one day you choose yourself.
