In these days of social media, female empowerment, and successful women, I wonder: where is that empowered, beautiful, and put-together woman inside of me? I feel like I lost her the day I became a mother, and don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart. It's been six years, and I still hadn't found those facets that were so me before I became a mother. It's hard to find yourself exhausted one day, wanting to be present for your child and your job, the one you fought so hard for, the role you yearned for. One day, anxiety, depression, lack of "tribe," and lack of good motherly love win you over, not for my son but for myself.
I found myself face to face with pain, incomprehension, trauma, and the whip of the judge who I thought would be my best ally in this journey: my mother. There were challenging moments when I grew up as a mother, being criticized, minimized, and constantly scrutinized with "you're not doing it right."
Even after six years, I still have yet to get there, still feel like I need to do it right. I lost my identity, and my femininity, stopped being that determined, strong, and capable woman who could achieve whatever she wanted, and became just a mother because I felt in my soul that I couldn't be a good mother and wife, not even a woman
My son is a wonderful, honest, kind-hearted child who doesn't distinguish colors, conditions, or brands. He only knows how to make friends wherever he goes and candidly asks other children if they can play with him. He's an incurable hugger and kisser, I discovered he has ADHD, and I have dedicated myself to seeking out and doing everything I can to help him develop the skills he needs to be happy in this crazy world.
I feel so alone on this journey; I see many women who always look beautiful, full of life, and empowered and are also mothers. I wonder: where are the mothers who are like me? I'm happy if there aren't any more like me, but I would love to be able to share with other mothers who can help me understand how to do it and what the secret is.
I still don't know where to start to find myself again, I don't know if I'll succeed, and I don't know if these childhood wounds and those that came with my experience as a mother can be healed. I ask God to give me the strength to keep going