You hurt me. You hurt me in every possible way you could hurt someone. You hurt me when I was in elementary school when I'd see your car pulling away as the bus pulled up to our house. Not a single wave goodbye. You hurt me when I was in middle school when I'd see you cry everyday about being depressed because you were home so much. You wanted to leave while I was so happy to see you. You hurt me when I was in high school when you blamed me for all of our family issues. You hurt me again when you made me choose sides during you and dad's divorce. You hurt me everytime you didn't come home and dad would take his anger towards you out on me. You didn't protect me. You hurt me when you brought a new man into the house barely a month after dad moved out. You hurt me when you decided that man could spend Christmas with us. You hurt after the breakup of my first real relationship. You didn't try to comfort me. It hurt that you blamed me for that too.
You hurt me the day dad died when you decided it'd be okay for that man to stay while I mourned. You hurt me the day of dads funeral when you decided to remind me what a bad father he was. You hurt me when you told me taking me to college was too much work. You hurt me when you didn't even hug me goodbye. It hurts that you haven't called once. It hurts that you let that man hurt me. You didn't protect me that time either. It hurts that you can so easily replace me with someone you barely know. It hurts that the answer to all your problems is alcohol.
What's most hurtful is the fact that you can't understand how hurt I feel. How sad. How betrayed. How frustrating and confusing this all is. To lose two parents, in two completely different ways.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to make you have so much anger and resentment towards me but then I feel pity for you. You are fighting much larger demons. And although I don't believe our relationship can be rekindled, I do hope that one day you fine peace.
Sometimes I even want to thank you for showing me how to be the mother and the women I never want to be. And thank you for making me so strong. Because of you I've learned that even the person you depend on the most won't always have your back.
Of course the human in me hopes that one day, perhaps my wedding day or the day I have my own children, you'll come back begging for the relationship I've begged for for so long. Maybe I'll forgive you, because that's the type of person I've raised myself to be. But maybe I won't because I'm happy without you.
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