Dear Son,
You are loved. You are worthy.
If there are only two things I want you to always remember, these are it. As I type this letter you are sitting in your room playing with your little wood car.
That's your favorite car. And ironically it is the only toy your father ever bought you. He bought it in your birth town in Brazil, two weeks before you were born.
We left the beach and he saw it in a little local store. He picked up for you because it was handmade. During that moment I actually thought the three of us was going to be a family.
Unfortunately things did not happened the way I dreamed it would, and this week, while watching Calliou calling his father, you asked where your own father was for the first time. I don't think you understood what your question meant, but I did, so it broke my heart anyways. I didn't know what to say, I don't know if I ever will know, so I just ignored your innocent question and pointed out the birds.
I don't know if your father will ever come back into your life. This is not in my control. But I do know that his absence has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person.
Forgive him. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
You may never come to understand why he walked out on you. I may never understand it either. But at least try to understand that it wasn't your fault. As you grow older you will learn that healthy and strong people don't abandon multiple children. That's behavior of someone who is weak and afraid.
Forgive him. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
But it's not all his fault. I shouldn't have tried to constantly control him and I should have controlled myself instead. I should have acted better.
Forgive me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
There are times the guilt of not being able to give you a traditional family consumes me and I get very depressed. There are times I can't handle all the pressure and responsibilities and I get upset when you make the smallest mistake.
Forgive me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
There are times, like now, that I am terrified you will become him. Or even worse, that you will become me. But then you smile, reminding me you are neither. You are you; An improved version of him and me. A perfect combination of us both.
Forgive us. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
A lot of times I push you too much and I expect too much. I am afraid if I don't you will never know how great you are and you will never reach your fullest potential. For this I don't ask for forgiveness. I ask for understanding.
Understand me. You are still loved. You are still worthy.
I hope your life is filled with love, joy and laughter. Life is a gift, please don't take it for granted. But life is not perfect, so be prepared for many challenges and many fears. Many mistakes, disappointments and tears.
And while you are riding the roller coaster of life, when you are down, and when you are high up, two things you always need to know for sure:
You are loved. You are worthy.
Your Mother
