Maybe this is why

Subject: Maybe this is why
From: I refuse to be sad
Date: 19 Feb 2019

On October 26th 2018 I took an overdose of paracetamol, I was having drinks with my friends, they passed out and I just kept drinking and popping tablet after tablet...

How did I get there?

For as long as I can remember I haven't been a happy person,
If you met me you wouldn't believe it.

I am a middle child, my sisters never liked me, a distant memory is my eldest sister holding a knife to my head. I don't remember how we got there or our age but it happened.

I don't live with both sisters now just the eldest and honestly I feel like she doesn't want me living here and is just set out to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible with her horrible and spiteful comments.

My youngest isn't much better, she fell pregnant in 2017 and gave birth in 2018, during that time she was in an abusive relationship, it worked both ways, it wasn't just him. Honestly, they bought out the worst in each other.

I bent over backwards so she could keep her child, I ended up in debt which I am still paying off till this day. All I got back was hateful comments and abuse including a black eye.
She's doing well thats all I know and is 300 miles away for that guy.

My step brother?, I adore. It just breaks my heart that he is too anxious to eat with his family or leave the house.

My step sister, I'm terrified she is turning into my eldest sister, considering my eldest sister doesn't know anyone in the area as she just moved up (I tried to introduce her to people but she didn't want to know). My step sister is her only friend and my eldest sister is rubbing off on her.

My mum? Was and is still trying to be emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I have blocked her on all social media and she has just married someone my age, who when I went to clear the air and visit my mum, he tried to make a sexual advance on me.

One of my jobs that still haunts me there isn't much to say apart from the fact I got penalised for getting sexually assaulted as my anxiety and depression couldn't face going there everyday. I left in January 2018.

After that? Guys trying to make a sexual advance on me became a normal thing, from people I lived with (I lived in a shared house for a while) to random guys in a nightclub.

Someones girlfriend found out they made a sexual advance on me and physically assaulted me, I had to call the police.

My love life? At 18 my first boyfriend cheated on me with... wait for it... my little sister! my second boyfriend? Physically Assaulted me, and the third cheated on me several times.

From the age of 16 and only when I've been single (I don't believe in cheating) I made myself an object to guys, I slept with anyone who would give me attention as I thought that was what I wanted... it wasn't.

After 5th November I decided to not be affected by all of this I have previously wrote (Sisters are a working progress)

I have got a new boyfriend who treats me the way my dad treats my step mum, they're all angels and the reason I am still here.

I am in a new job with people I adore, I have also been off all medication for a month.

So keep trying and don't let the sadness take control.

-Thank You.