We met when we were both 16 years old. Life was cars and boys for me, cars and girls for you. We became best friends and connected in a special way because we were both previous victims of sexual abuse. We both promised that we would never inflict that kind of pain on a child.
We talked sometimes about the memories that haunted us, about the shadows that followed us. You told me you were in love with me more than once but it took a very long time for my feelings to grow into that.
You were always there to pick up the pieces when relationships fell apart. You were the one constant I could always count on. You were the permanence I thought I needed. That is how you became my daughters step-father and our worst nightmare.
(How could you do this to us? I TRUSTED YOU!)
When my daughter finally disclosed to a friend's parent what was happening, you had been in our home for two years. When I found out, I confronted you and it was plain on your face that you were guilty. That night, I chased you off and then packed my kids up and ran away myself. It happened so fast that when you did come around, we had already moved away.
It has been 10 years since the disclosure. Let me tell you what you missed.
My daughter, who was fun, sweet, outgoing, and energetic became depressed, withdrawn, and suicidal.
Between the ages of 8 and 10, she ran away often. She never went far, but I think she needed to know she could hide if she needed to. She was full of fear when before she had been too fearless.
Between the ages of 11-15, she cut herself frequently, plotted suicide, was hospitalized for suicide watch, and hardly spoke to any of the family. She isolated herself in her bedroom and only talked on her phone, computer or her friends. She repeatedly told me that she blamed me for this happening to her.
After 15, gradually things started to improve with her, but she still had dark moments and I don't think she ever stopped blaming me for what you did to her.
My heart is broken for her. She will never be able to forget. Just like you and I will not forget our own experiences.
You would think that having experience with abuse would make it easier for me to relate to her, but it didn't. I was traumatized too. I was so betrayed and brokenhearted for myself that I found it very difficult to cope. Oh I worked at being supportive but it was very, very hard. Because, I was hurting too. What should have been about her, became about me too.
For years, I hardly left the house. I would not let the kids leave the house either. They were never allowed to play outside alone. Fear controlled me and in turn controlled them. The house was always a mess. I barely functioned enough to make the kids food during the day or get them off to school. I had days where I felt so inadequate, and guilty.
In spite of this, I have wonderful children. The one you hurt is 18 now and lives on her own. We have a better relationship but it is still not the one I wish we had. I still don't know how to get there with her.
The younger ones are doing fantastic. They are well-rounded, active, children. They love people and are kind, generous, and loving. They play soccer, the violin, karate. They have lots of friends but are happy to play together as siblings.
I want you to know these things because I gave you so much power. I let you destroy me for a time and almost let you destroy my family. The pain of your betrayal is as fresh to me as the day it happened. It hurts just as much as it did the second I found out. My heart still breaks when I think of all the suffering my daughter went through at the hands of you and all the suffering she will continue to feel when memories sneak up on her and threaten her happiness. However, I refuse to let it rule me anymore.
I don't feel guilty anymore. I did not know it was happening. When I found out, I did the right thing. I got us out. I did my best to get my daughter the therapy and help she needed. I did what I needed to do to make sure that you would never have access to the daughter we conceived together.
I have never told our daughter what you did. She knows you went to jail but she does not know why. I don't want to tell her, because just knowing that her father is capable of that will hurt her.
We got out of the situation before you had an opportunity to harm the younger children and for that I am grateful. I have not had another relationship since then. I don't plan on having one either. It is not worth it. We are happy just the way we are.
You have lost. I have won. I am so happy that I have finally won my life back.
