The effect you have on my life is still momentous, I am awake another night weighting this at 1am as your life goes on untouched by me most likely, Mine is reminded of your horror nearly every day.
I have nightmares about you at least once a week.
When I am at work people ask me the story of my scars from you and after I am finished being a colleague, a mother and a wife you come crashing into my world again with a full force of sickness in my stomach and throat.
My children run their fingers over my scars and say “ouchie” and I still don’t know what I will say when they are old enough to badger me to say where they came from the way adults do.
I didn’t want you to go to jail when I reported it (and i didn’t expect you to deny it) I was doing the right thing but I now feel a sting of pain knowing a jury decided I was a liar about something that has been so damaging to me, effected me so much and that you did so deliberately.
I feel a depth of darkness and sorrow within me I have to push away so that I don’t allow myself to sink into it.
But of all that I don’t feel it is the worst of what you did, I was 17 and you were 32, 9 years on I now know what a gap that is.
You forced me to stop speaking to friends.
Stopped kissing me unless you made me cry and used making love the same way.
Built me up with saying it was us against the world and ripped me down by accusing me of “using you for a bit of rough” which was you trying to make me feel guilty although I still don’t fully understand why.
You said beautiful and loving things to me whilst you stole my confidence with the disgusting things you would say and call me.
Then you degraded me with the sick things you did which can never be public- things that you did to me make me feel ashamed even though I hadn’t a choice.
Ultimately you stole my innocence
All of this has left me half and half, I am a strong woman and stronger for it I feel, the other half is a wreck- a mess that you made.
I had a lucky escape because I truly and wholeheartedly believed that being with you meant I would die, as ridiculous as this is I would have gone back to you even knowing that if I hadn’t have met my now husband to stop me.
It is not alright, I am not alright, I am so lucky we didn’t fall pregnant, what you have done is terrible and I want you to understand what long term affects your actions have had.
I don’t know how many other women you have done this to but I am thankful you did it all to me and not to my sister, I wouldn’t wish you upon my worst enemy let alone another fragile younger woman or god forbid someone I love.
I hope you see what the point of this letter is, therapy for me to keep trying to let go in hope you comprehend the aftermath of our relationship and try to be a better person for the next person or seek therapy if you can see you need help to change.
For the parents:
Being the stupid teenager I was and so blindly in love to what everyone else could see as bad news.
Your child may be pulled away by someone they trust over you (which hurts a tremendous deal) but they are still the same person no matter how much you feel they have changed, it is only temporary.
Your natural reaction is to demand they stay home and shout about all of the reasons this other person is terrible but if you do they will wait till night and run away, what’s worse when in trouble he/she will not feel that they can come to you for help.
This is the hardest thing you will ever have do, say nothing;
you don’t have to praise the person you dislike just keep any negative comments to yourself gently say you are concerned for a couple of big reasons but leave it light even if your teen shouts or stomps off.
Invite your child home for lunch and out for a day every now and then, if they let you down invite again, avoid all talk of their friend, that is the only way you can get them back.
I can’t explain what is going on in your child's mind even though I have been there, the best I can do to explain is say this person is a God to them and they will do anything to defend them no matter what, they are so sure they see the good in this person, adamant they can have a happily ever after.
The more you pull them back you are really pushing them away and they will feel all the more certain in being right about this person.
I can't guarantee this will help but it's all I can give from now being years down the line from it.