madre mia

Subject: madre mia
Date: 1 Dec 2017

It has never been an easy relationship with you. I have always felt wrong in everything I do, I have always felt like I am not what you wanted. You complain about me and who I am, how can I help who I am when you are the one who created me? How can I help who I am when you are the one who raised me? I am what you made me and you are not happy. I have done everything I can to make you happy. You have done things to me I wish you never did, things I hope I never do to my daughter, you have said things to me I wish I could forget but those words will forever stay in my head. How is it that you can do all those things to me and I still love you whole heartedly but I have done nothing and I am still not what you want? As my mother I will always have respect for you and what you do for me, but that is all I will have for you. I blame you a lot for how I feel about myself. I don’t love myself like I should and I feel I don’t deserve any good. Everything you say to me hurts me immensely and I crawl into a shell and believe everyone sees me the way you do. You are supposed to be the on who loves me the most yet you are the complete opposite. I feel the only thing holding you back from saying you don’t regret me is that others will find out. The thing I hate most about you is how you make people perceive you. To them you are the perfect woman, the perfect mother, a mother they wish they had. You constantly remind me that I could have a worse mother and you compare yourself to other to prove that you are better. Yes, you have blessed me with a home, food, and clothes, but that is not all a child needs. You provide my needs but not without making me feel guilty and counting everything I owe you. As I write this I feel guilty, I feel guilty because I should be grateful to have a mother. I should be grateful that you are alive and healthy and you have given me life. Some people would die to have their mothers with them again and others have mothers who do not provide for them as my mother does. These are the thoughts and emotions I go through every day when I am around you. I am constantly confused about you. I love you as much as I hate you. I am grateful for you but I am not. I hope as I grow older I know how I feel about you because I do not want to feel this confused when I have children. I hope she never feels this way, I hope I never become you.