Dear sperm donor,
First I just want to say thank you for walking away not only once, but twice. I was about 13 when I found out about you, and you where the first man that ever made me feel worthless and unwanted. I wondered why I wasn't good enough for you to stick around. I wondered what you looked like and if you ever thought of me. I was upset that my parents had kept it from me for so long, and it took me a long time to realize that they were doing it to protect me and because they loved me.
When I was 18, and I first met you I was so nervous which I don't know why because I owed you absolutely nothing. My mom had asked me numerous times through the years if I wanted to meet you, and I always said no because why? I felt as though if you really wanted to meet me then you would have tried harder. I remember being young and my uncles would say "I seen your daddy at a job site." but I was young and thought why was my dad at a job site, he's a mechanic? I just thought they were being crazy or trying to make some joke I just didn't get. So you seen my uncles regularly, and if you really wanted to see me you knew how to find me. You lived 30 minutes away from me my whole life and my grandparents lived in the same place. Sometimes I wonder if I ever seen you as a kid and just never knew it.
After 18 years you still wanted a paternity test when it was obvious that I looked just like you. I thought, "Wow what am I even doing here? I have this amazing Dad that raised me as his own and he never cared about paternity tests." So whatever, we did the tests, 99.999999% you are the father! You expected me to call you dad and tell you I love you. Just because a test confirmed something that my mom told you 19 years ago, doesn't mean you are my dad, sorry but you are a stranger to me. It really bothered me that you kept wanting to hug me and my mom and saying let's have a family hug. I even told you once that my dad wouldn't like that. You responded with, "You mean L******?" Yes my daddy. I'm sure you didn't like it, but sometimes the truth hurts buddy.
Things were okay for a while, you tried to buy my love with shoes, clothes, lunch dates, and paying for a phone and the bill every month. You always told me that if I ever cussed you or yelled at you that was it and you would cut me out of your life. I thought that was odd because parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally, no matter what. You would get mad because I didn't call you regularly like I did my mom, but why should I have been the one making the calls. You were the parent, and the one that was absent from my life. I was young and I guess I didn't want to admit it, but I held so much anger and hurt towards you. I never truly told you how I felt, because you wanted the past to be in the past and I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I remember telling you that it was kind of f***ed up that you didn't want to pay my phone bill because I didn't call you as much as my mom, and that was all it took. Because I had cussed you I didn't hear from you for a long time!
After not speaking but a few times through the years I remember trying to get a hold of you, because my oldest daughter had an auto immune disorder and I needed your family medical history. I tried calling your cell phone and work number, because you hadn't told your new wife about me and didn't want her to get mad at you. Finally I had to call your house, because this was about my daughter's health. Your wife obviously still didn't know about me which really hurt because I felt as though I still wasn't good enough for you to tell people about me. She spoke in broken english and kept asking me if I wanted money from you. I guess she was worried that I would take away from her and her daughter you were raising. I guess you were pretty mad at me because you never called me back, but I FINALLY got a hold of you. You were very cold towards me, and once you answered the questions I needed you said "okay is that all you need?" I responded yes and you hung up and I haven't heard from you since and that was in I think about 2006.
I have emailed your work email a few times here and there of pictures of my kids and you never respond. It hurts, but you will never be able to say I never tried, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
So, thank you for for walking out of my life not once, but twice. Because of you walking away I was able to be raised and loved by an amazing Dad. He has loved me unconditionally and there is nothing I could ever do that would make him love me any less or quit talking to me. That is a real father. I am so thankful to have been given an amazing family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that have always treated me and loved me as if I was born into their family. I have never been treated any different, and we are all just family. After seeing the love they gave me that is how I feel about my stepkids. I don't consider them step anything, they are just family and I would do anything for them. I guess in you walking away you have made my life better and me a better person. So thank you for that! Last but not least I am so thankful for having such a strong mom that has always done what's best for me and put me first.
I hope you have a happy life, and I want you to know that you walking away was the best thing you could have done for me!
Signed,
The Daughter You Left Behind
