To my ex best friend
When i was cleaning out my laptop i found a writing assignment from a few semesters ago.The prompt was to write about someone who you adored and of course, i had wrote about you.
I wrote about how you made me feel alive and you put the air in my lungs and
how you were everything i wanted to be and more. I wrote endless paragraphs about our connection, and how you had helped me.
I wrote about you like we were lovers. We don't talk anymore though.
I was the greatest friend you'd ever have, or at least i tried to be. I was a ray of light even with my darkness, i was a yellow flower in a field of purple. I am irreplaceable even though you'd deny it.
I was in love with you, completely inthralled, even though we weren't dating, we weren't even romantically interested. But i felt like you were my soulmate at those times i couldn't picture a world without you.
I thought you were a gift sent from the clouds to save me from myself, having met not even a few days after my discharge from the hospital for a overdose.
I thought our friendship was destiny, to me you were flawless. I validated and excused all your wrongs. But I now know it was foolish of me to be so hopeful and gullible.
You are not perfect, you are no angel, and you are definetly not my savior. You are just as fucked up as me and i think you secretly know that but you'll never admit it.
You'd blame the fall out all on me probably, and while my stupid tendencies and obsessions and issues had a big part of it, I no longer put it all on myself.
I gave you all of me to the point of exhaustion, i was there for everything , through every issue, every fight you had, every boy, and even the one girl. I dedicated myself to you and our friendship to the point of where i now have a hole inside of me from where you were, incapable of having another friendship so close, out of fear of the pain that comes when it ends.
I used to think you kept me alive and that was unhealthy of me and a lot of pressure for you, I used to be so sad all the time, sometimes so much i couldn't leave my bed or shower, on my worse days, i probably scared you, with my suggestions towards what i might due to myself and nine paragraph long texts detailing everything i hated about myself.
I now see how that may of affected you, but you didn't do much anyways.
I used to make excuses for your lack of responses and the read receipts and the times you blew me off,even when i would hear about the things you said about me towards others. I don't anymore. I was under a false illusion that you were there.
I know you think i don't know about all the things you did but i do, such as the lying, and betrayal, and sleeping with ex while still dating my other bestfriend, I guess i was just too much of a push over to stand up for myself out of fear of losing you.
I sent you a text a week ago and the first sentence said "I know you won't answer but..” And i think that's really sad. I guess I thought that if I included that, you would out of spite for me would answer just to prove some point. You didn't. But that's okay i just needed to get all that off my chest.
Even though I now realize you aren't perfect, you were pretty close. I will admit, you're amazingly talented, absolutely beautiful, and hilarious,
Personally I think among your best talents is avoidance. I think you could avoid anything. Maybe even your own shadow if it came to it. I have a hard time grasping how you could avoid someone who you were that close with but maybe, we weren't as close as i like to think.
You self admittedly told me that you wanted to “ avoid me forever” but you gave in, saying you missed my wild laughs, and wide smile, and my vibrant pink hair and the warmth that came along with me.
I remember when everything happened, and i had gotten so sad as i began having recurrent nightmares of my past rape and failing family relationships, i became suicidal, and had decided that I wasn't safe at home, and i planned to go to a therapeutic boarding school in texas.
I told you, in a lengthy worded text i would be leaving for texas for up to a few months, begging even in the middle of the fight for you to answer me, you didn't.
you didn't even respond to that. I left to be 300 miles away in a locked building with uncaring staff and scary patients and you couldn't text me goodbye. I think that broke my heart more than any boy or girl ever has.
The sudden loss of you felt like diving into the deep end of a pool and not coming up quite as fast as I thought I would. You broke every promise you'd ever made me without even doing anything.
I guess you started missing me at some point though because you wrote me a letter while I was there. I still have it.
In the letter you said that you were sorry and that the world reminded you of me.
I wonder if it still does? I hope so. I hope you still have our pictures saved and remember our jokes and have my clothing. I hope memories haunt you in all the little small details of your life that will never go away. I hope you hear my voice in all the songs we used to listen to.
One time while you were at my house while listening to music and laying on my bed we swore to each other we’d be in each other's lives forever no matter what happened, even if we hated each other.
I remember crying when you left because i knew even then, that you were too free for me,and that you would move on to much better things.
I seem bitter but I don't think I am, and even if i was i think i would have that right.
But Id rather of had our short lived friendship than never of met you at all.
You changed the path of my life. I'm not sure if it was for better or for worse though. I loved you, I still love you. Why should I let a different ending change my state of mind? From what I’ve heard you are a lot different now but i'm not sure in what ways.
I think you'd deny it now but our friendship was pretty nice. All the picnics, concerts, late night waffle house, getting high out of our minds, You introduced me to bright eyes, and i showed you the wonders of Riot Grrrl punk, and La dispute. We streaked through our empty school lot in the summer, and hotboxed school buses.
I had fun I hope you did too. I hope you're doing okay though,
I hope your friends treat you well, better than i did.
I hope you get everything you've always wanted out of life because you really deserve it but that doesn't change the fact that a coward is a coward no matter how much they are adored.
Sincerely,
your ex best friend.
