Dear Ex-BFF,
You were my world, honestly my best friends are family to me.
You guys are my world, you make me who I am.
And I've always been proud of who I am.
Well that's not entirely true.
You see I have anxiety, low self esteem, and even some mild depression (if there is such a thing).
I constantly question myself and feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I feel too needy all the time.
I want my friends to know I love them and want to talk to them, yet I often feel like an annoyance.
I need to be constantly reassured.
And yes that might be a pain for you, but take it or leave it.
I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough etc etc.
So yeah I can be a little irritating with my constant need for reassurance.
But I am the most loving and loyal friend you will ever meet.
And you took advantage of that.
You used me as your doormat.
It started out like a great friendship, no one can deny that.
Certainly not me.
You helped me become me.
You got me out of my shell.
And for that I will always be grateful.
The memories we have I will always cherish.
I can't just remember the bad because before it there was so much good.
We were amazing friends, we had so many inside jokes and fun memories.
Yet all good things seem to come to an end at some point.
It started small.
I started to realize your change slowly because I didn't want to see it.
First you became judgemental of everyone, including your friends.
Then you started talking to me about your friends behind their backs.
And it wasn't anything good.
That's when I got worried, do you talk about me behind my back?
My insecurities rise.
But no my best friend wouldn't do that.
Then you started to ignore me.
We would talk about your problems but mine stopped mattering.
Then you got a boyfriend.
And dropped me like I was nothing.
Do you know how much that hurt?
But I was still there when you broke up because I loved you.
You were my best friend.
Then you stopped trying to talk to me at all.
We would go weeks even months without talking.
Even if I'd try it fell short.
That hurt I felt like I had to be scheduled into your life.
And when we saw each other it's like no time had passed.
But it did.
And you didn't care to try to talk to me.
I stopped coming to you with my problems because I always felt judged or like you didn't care.
You shouldn't feel like that with a friend. But I ignored it.
It was ok.
You were just a little judgy.
Some people are like that you're still my best friend.
Then came the choice.
You didn't like my other best friend anymore.
What you failed to realize is that while you judged, ignored, and neglected our friendship he didn't.
And I was closer to him than you.
You bad mouthed him and said you shouldn't be friends with him he isn't good enough.
But he was.
And as you said this behind his back you smiled to his face.
You acted like you guys were friends.
Then you picked a fight with him, because you wanted a reason to stop being friends with him.
You already told me this.
But he didn't know.
He didn't understand why you blew up on him.
Me and you hadn't talked for weeks because you bad mouthed him.
And as soon as we started speaking again, you picked a fight with him.
And I knew why.
I was upset and on his side.
Because I knew the truth.
Then you actually asked me.
You wanted me to choose between the two of you.
I am a fiercely loyal friend.
I won't choose between my friends.
And at this point I was so angry at you I probably would have chosen him if forced. But I couldn't.
I couldn't even think of choosing.
Through even our first big fight, I loved you.
I loved both of you.
I told you I wouldn't choose.
You dropped it.
Then we got to college.
We went to different colleges.
So did my other best friend.
I tried to stay close to both of you.
With him it was easy.
With you I had to be scheduled into your life.
Only this time I mean that literally.
You had to pencil me in at a specific time on a specific date.
You had to pencil your best friend into your life.
Because you were too busy with your new friends to make time for me.
Do you know how that felt?
Of course not.
I'm always here for you.
Then the fight came up again.
Something happened.
You now don't like another one of my close friends as well as you want to bring my other BFF up again.
Now it's not a choice of you and my other BFF.
It's a choice between you or my other BFF AND my close friend.
What?
When I say no you actually question my loyalty.
I am loyal to my friends.
But you aren't my only friend.
You wouldn't take no as an answer.
I either choose you or them.
If I don't choose I'm automatically choosing them.
How is that fair?
I love all of you I won't choose.
You haven't spoken to me since.
I honestly believe this was just you wanting to rid yourself of old friends.
You want to get rid of old HS friends to make way for your new college friends.
What you don't understand is we are the ones that have always been there for you. Through it all we were there.
And we would have always been there. But you just threw us away.
I say us because I've noticed I'm not the only one you've been cleansing yourself of us.
You'll regret it one day.
And I want you to know even after everything.
All the hurt you put me through.
Even after you threw away our years of friendship.
I'm still here.
I still love you.
And in a way I hate myself for it.
But I'll always be here if you need me.
Because even after all of this when I think of you I remember my best friend.
And even after all this time if someone mentions your name I have to stop myself.
Because I nearly blurt out that's my best friend every time.
It hurts to say this.
But I know we needed this.
I needed to realize no one will be here forever.
No one is perfect.
And I need to pay more attention to signs.
I knew this was coming but I ignored it. And when it finally did happen it killed me.
I lost my best friend.
But now I'm ready.
I love my friends but I've come to realize that it can end.
So I hold my friends close.
I make sure they know I love and appreciate them.
And they respond in the same manner.
Now I have good communication with my friends.
They know about my insecurities and problems.
And they promise not to leave me.
I believe them to a degree.
Because you know you never promised that.
You told me so many times high school friends don't make it through college.
And I ignored it.
But that was a warning wasn't it?
I know now to watch for the small things.
Thank you for making me stronger now that I'm not leaning on you.
And know that after all this I still love you.
And if you need me I'm one call away.
Because even if you gave up on me, I never gave up on you.
Love,
You Ex-BFF
-No-
Love,
Your long lost BFF
