To The Man That Raped Me,
For the longest time i hated you, not only because of what you did to me, but because you took away what small innocence I had left in me. You took away the trust i had in men for, what seemed like forever. Now i'm sure if you're reading this you'll be sitting on your bed furious and yelling and saying that it didn't happen, or that i was too drunk to remember. Well hey guess what, i remember. It's now almost a year later and most of my hate towards you has subsided into, surprisingly enough, me feeling sorry for you. Maybe something happened to you when you were little and you couldn't figure out the line between consent and being passed out. Or maybe you're just an idiot and knew the line but did it anyways. Either way I feel sorry for you because you don't have the part in you where decent human courtesy should be.
I feel sorry for you, because you will never know just how hard it is for me to even walk out to my car alone at night, or how I have to have every light on in the house, or how i check and double check and triple check that the windows and doors are locked. I have moved over and over again praying that if i move enough or far enough away, I would feel safe. But that's not the case now is it. No. It's almost a year later. I should "get over it". But that's not how this works. I was told repeatedly that it was my fault, and for the longest time I believed those people, if I hadn't gone to that party. If i hadn't had that drink, then this wouldn't have happened, right? Wrong. Because it wasn't my fault. It was yours, you stripped me of my innocence and killed my trust in people.
I would also like to thank you, because of what you did, you have showed the naive part of me that not all people are good. And while that was the harshest reality check I've ever received in my entire life, in some way I suppose it was needed. No, I am most certainly not saying that what you did was okay and I am most certainly not saying that I forgive you for what you did. Because I could never forgive you for what you have taken from me.
To the Okaloosa Sheriffs Department,
I would like to take the time to thank you all so much for wasting my time about filling out paper work after paper work all for nothing. All you did was get my hopes up that some sort of justice would be served. Of course, none was. Thank you, because all you did was make me feel like my rape was my fault. "What were you wearing?" ; "Did you flirt with him" ; "Was it made clear to him that you didn't want to have sex with him?". And not once did you ask what he was wearing. So while y'all invaded my privacy you didn't do anything but go to his house and tell him what i was saying, which, crazy thing, made everything worse. Because then came the texts. Your excuse for not doing anything? "the holidays came around and we got busy" so thank you so much for proving to me that you did not plan on doing anything. Here we are a year later and you all are still just moseying around with your day-to-day routine. Because while this doesn't affect you anymore, it affects me every damn day of my life.
PTSD from sexual assault is an actual thing. Your body was violated and your mind won't let you forget it.