Dear Oleg,
Speaking with you is so bittersweet. Bitter because I know you are unavailable to me in a romantic sense and sweet because I feel such love and warmth for you. It is sad for me to realise that talking to you triggers all that I feel is missing from my life… You are kind, gentle and non-judgemental, you listen to me and understand me – everything which every human being wants to feel. I feel strong and attractive and witty and clever under your gaze, but I know that is all a fiction of my mind, and running alongside those good uplifting feelings and at the same rate, if not faster is the dawning reality that I feel tormented, insecure, unhappy and thoroughly lost because of my burgeoning fascination with you.
You are giving me in bite size pieces glimpses into how well a life can feel when someone loves and accepts us.
And all this leads me to know that I have a huge hole in my soul which I need to nourish. Why oh why don’t I love myself more? Why do I search for and seek out unavailable men? Is it because I am scared of intimacy, I don’t think so, but may be it is true, or is it because I am so utterly terrified of rejection and abandonment that I seek out the very thing I am most afraid of, so I can constantly drip feed myself those awful feelings of hurt, shame and pain as a kind of continual reminder of how unworthy I am? I don’t know if either one of those feelings is right, but I do know that my heart right now feels like lead, my energy is really low and all I’m able to do is lie in bed and think about having conversations with you. Imagining what you’d say, how you’d react, how good it would be if we could be together, yet I know we are too different people whom want different things out of a relationship – you want support and companionship on your terms and only when you feel in need of it, and I want a full on romantic, sexual affair which is very close and emotionally rewarding. I’d love to give you what you want; a little quality contact in-between your busy schedule, to take your mind away from work stresses for an hour or two and to make you feel someone out there cares about you deeply, but I can’t clip my heart to such a short leash and make it beat like clockwork on any given hour that you decide to ring your bell for attention, although I wish I could take a sip from a magic potion that allowed me to do just that and feel satisfied and fulfilled by that level of contact.
If I think of you and how I could remain in your life the only option I see to secure a place in your fondness is to diminish my emotions and that just isn’t who I’ve ever been…. Maybe I could happily be that person after I’ve gotten out my first flourishes of lust and love and desire – then I agree once my thirst for attention was truly sated I could then behave in a manner which would be agreeable to both you and I, but I’m afraid my demonstrative nature would take a long time to settle into this shadow of its former glory.
Somethings about you I feel a parallel with, for instance, not wishing to be in crowds of people, not wishing to go out with a group and be around drinkers, not wanting to go to parties or celebrations, not wanting to take care of young babies, feeling happiest at home, reading, speaking about feelings and exploring psychological trends, self development, meditation and mindfulness, walks in nature, dreams of becoming self employed, dreams of escaping to foreign lands to travel or to live….. spending time together in contemplative/contented silence, exploring communes or other places/ways to live. All of that sounds very compelling to me, but the realities of life are that we both get cross when we’re tired or hungry, I don’t like to push myself to master things such as yoga or win awards and accolades at work and so wouldn’t win your respect. I like to spend my money!! It makes me happy, perhaps superficially, but it does lift my spirits to have new clothes and things for the house. I enjoy witty banter and excited chatter about whatever is going on in my life, and I like to vent and moan about stuff too. I like to have 2 or 3 days a week just to myself to recover from other people’s energies. I like to take to my bed for long bouts of time when I’m struggling emotionally, until the battle is won I cannot focus too much attention to other things and so become forgetful, tearful and miserable. I enjoy very much being lazy! I am not a pedantic character, nor am I laid back and I can be quite snappy and volatile, and my moods oscillate greatly and frequently and I’m prone to arguing, and to which I must admit I do enjoy a heated debate, especially if it results in me being persuaded to change my view point, I like having my boundaries pushed and broken, I like the horizon to change in order to remind me that I am still flexible of mind and forgiving, I like to surprise myself at my own capacity to love and to forgive and to learn. I am very malleable in some regard, but watch out for the stubborn bull in me that lies dormant and watchful as it gets restless when there’s too much peace and calm.
I make wrong assumptions and judgements about people based purely on their tone of voice or expression – I jump to conclusions and get the wrong picture. I feel persecuted and insecure and at the first scowl or accusation I fall in to nervous pieces and want to run away and sometimes do, but usually I just cry and shake in fear in my bed at night and wonder if death is the only final way to be free of the cavalcade of puppet masters whom during working hours take control over me? And who in the hell gave my strings over to these puppet masters anyway? When and where did I sign up to be handled and manipulated and used as a fall guy to someone elses bad feelings? I’m too lacking in faith and tenacity to find that contract and reclaim my strings, so I’m stuck feeling relieved when I am left overlooked and unhung and then full of panicky dismay and fear when I feel the pull on my body and mind to serve others, like a mindless bovine going through the corporate anti-emotions and eradicating all anarchy from my heart – or at least this is what these puppet master demands.
So you see Oleg, I understand you could never love me and I would struggle to stay in your good graces and the strain of trying to please you would ultimately create an even bigger hole in my soul and neither would feel truly satisfied or comfortable or secure. And yet despite all of the above, I still desire strongly to be around you, so my dilemma is do I cling on to your friendship, or do I reach out and have you be my Psychotherapist and let you dispel all of my smoke and mirrors and have you set me free into the world to find another lesser Oleg who is happy to betroth me and who encourages me to come along to all his social gatherings and laugh with abandoned gaiety?
Ali
