Kevin Pietersen's open letter to Andrew Strauss (a work of fiction)

Subject: Kevin Pietersen's open letter to Andrew Strauss (a work of fiction)
From: The Futboljoker
Date: 21 May 2015

Dear Straussy,

Hi, mate. I know that you are really upset with me and won’t like the fact that I addressed you like a pal. But I really don’t care. I never did.

All I cared about was me because only I deserve my attention – the rest of you are much too inferior for that privilege.
The other day I smacked 355* runs in a first-class game and created news. Almost every sensible England fan wants me back in the team because of the pathetic condition it is in. With the Ashes up ahead, they can’t be blamed.

But you came out and made it clear that I won’t get called up to the team. Do you realize how it feels to hear something like that after hitting a rollicking innings like the one I smashed? Oops. No, you don’t. For that, you have to make 355* first, or even 300 for that matter – which you haven’t.

Look, I know that you are unhappy with the SMS saga. I know you are unhappy that I am the best cricketer there is who is available to play for England. I know you are unhappy that I have more talent than you could ever possess. I know you are unhappy as well as jealous that I have more hair than you.

But you should leave aside these petty personal issues and do what is best for England – and that is to play me, because none of the players in the current batch can save England from getting embarrassed in the Ashes. I can.

Now you will tell me that most of the players will resign from the team if I was brought in – and that Alastair Cook has given an ultimatum that it’s either him or me. To that, I say: screw them. I alone am better than that average bunch of no-gooders.

The only time England ever won a tournament in cricket was the ICC World T20 in 2010. Remember who was awarded the player of the tournament? Nope, me neither. Oh, yes, I do. It was Kevin Pietersen – in other words, me.

So it is time for you to remember that and forget about the past and my Hulk-sized ego. With great players comes great ego – just ask Pele or Diego Maradona. People like us are so good at what we do that no matter how much the world praises us, it still doesn’t do justice to how good we actually are. And hence we feel it is necessary for us to behave in a way that separates us from the rest.
Most label it as egotistic narcissism. I say that it just is a constant reminder of how good we really are.

So start thinking about what is good for the England cricket team and select me for the upcoming Ashes. In the SMSes I sent my fellow South Africans, I called you a “doos”. I apologized several times for calling you that, but now it seems like you are actually one. Or, at least, behaving like one.

But you can change that by calling me up. You could do that and save England from an Ashes humiliation and make the fans forget about the disastrous World Cup, or you could choose to be a tight-a**e and hold a grudge like a bitter ex and let the fans lose all hope in cricket.
The choice is yours.


Kevin Better-Than-All-Of-You Pietersen.