just another open letter

Subject: just another open letter
From: carrots
Date: 21 Mar 2018

Hey

Alright, so, im gonna make you a long message again, and hopefully this will be the last time. I dont wanna bore you with too much shit you know hehe. Remember when we first started talking, like really started talking. It was when you wanted to donate and you were desparate enough to trust someone you never know, nor never even talked to that much. I remember too, how you told me about the extra pbp Dorin gave you and how, you asked me not to tell anyone, and how you asked me to be there in ren discord voice just cause you can talk to Dorin about the that stuff. I'm really confused that how can someone like you, easily like trust me even though most of your friends hate me especially Demon. Through that you earned my respect, and tru though honestly i didnt trust you, i decided too. And boom things started falling into pieces. Yeah everything i will say here will be all cliche's or stuff that i already told you, but i want you to understand everything cause i will laying it all out again.
you kept asking me how and why i fell inlove with you, and i kept telling you the same reasons, though most of the times not all of it. And though yes those reasons are unbelievable or sometimes fullly bullshit, I will still stand by them. Anyway, I have to be honest with myself now, especially i have to be more honest with you too. Yeah, i need you, and yeah honestly i want you, and more honestly i want to know that you want me too, and that you feel the same way, but many times you said you will never will, and that I just keep saying that i am satisfied with how things are, and im not really hurt with the current situation. And recently, i just realized, how really selfish I am, wanting you for my own, wanting your company all for my self. And how i become easily jealous when you started talking to others which isnt supposed to be and im sorry for that. Im sorry how I reacted alot of times, how i always looked like i just want your attention, and how i always rage quit, just for you to tell me to come back. And i hate them, i hate doing it just to keep you for myself, and like you are, im just also being selfish, and im sorry.
I was drowning in my own misery, and with it I tried to pull you, who yourself is drowning into her own. I tried to rely on you in which i shouldnt and in which i should never did. I became so attach with you that i always wanted your attention and time, and how i always made you overthink when i shouldnt be. And no, everything is not your fault, dont blame yourself please, cause it is not, it was mine, if i just ignored you like i always do before, then we wouldnt be in this fuckin situation now, so dont blame yourself, it was mine in the first place and I'll take the fall for it.
If you remember when you asked me, if you can be my friend, i said, i will, if you can add the word "special" but you never did. So right now, Ima accept it, I will be your friend, even though its the more painful way, i finally decided to let go of this feelings. Yeah we'll be in an awkward situation for the rest of the way, but, I think thats better, I have to really accept the fact, that I will never have you, and that you will never want me too. Things will be different now, but I'll still be there for you, as someone who will still listen to you, and believe in you, and will always look to you the same way. If for you, you're not, for me, youre the best ive ever known, and for me you're perfect, you're just lost and that like me, you still need to find your place in this world. I wish i can say, i want my place to be with you, and to be always there for you but, this is a crazy world, and two crazy people just doing crazy stuff will never work as long as both of em keeps lying to themselves.
I'll be honest with you, in the next coming days, either i'll ignore you or i'll lie and pretend to you, that ill be ok and its not hurting me, but ignore it, and ignore everything especially my feelings, as i will try to suppress them. I know, that if either you or me, leave, quit or just disappear, it will hurt both of us more than we ever known, and we'll just gonna keep askin to ourselves, what if and what the fuck if, and that will literally kill us more inside, so hopefully, we'll be able to figure it out and hopefully, we'll be able to make this friendship work. So dont overthink, i beg you, dont, cause if you do, it will make me think or assume, that you do feel the same way, and that you wanted me too, and that even though you cant find the answers to all of your questions, its all there, and that either you're blindly not accepting it, or just couldnt see it. Every answer to every riddles we've been trying to solve, are all there, and you just have to figure it out wether you really want it and need it, or you just wanna let go of the things life that life reaches out for you.
In anyway, i might regret some things i typed here or in anyway i might just end up regretting everything. But please do know, that in everyway, all the time, i just want you to be yourself, and be happy, even if its not gonna be with me, you and you will, always be the best thing there is, and that being just with you, even if its just in that situation, is already bringing out the best of me, and that you see me the way others never will, or never did, and that you will always have that special place somewhere here in my heart. So before i end up this long message, i'll say this the first and probably the last time, I love you, and i love every crazy thing youre doing, I love how you always do stuff that no one did for me, and I love how you always try to be there for me, i love how you try to deny stuff even though theyre already obvious, and i love how you always try to annoy me or make me mad, and i love how you always takes advantage of me not being able to be mad at you, I love you react at everything, even if your mind is always in the gutter and i love how sometimes act childishly (dont worry, if you never noticed, i also act childishly with you) and I love how you always make me smile even in the most simple way, I love how you try to make me happy and I love how just you and your presence already makes my day. In all of it, I just love you, for being just you, even though you dont see it that way, or maybe you dont realize it. But this is me, just laying it all on the floor, I love you, and i really do. Thank you for everything, and please promise me you wont overthink, cause if you do, ima bombared you with sad puupy eyes pictures hehe. Smile always, and always remember, "I'm here", and will always be here.

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