I have never felt more heartbroken than I do right now. I honestly think this is worse than any death I have had to face. I feel like I have cancer, and these are the last moments we are going to get to spend together. And even though this time will be special it will never be the same because there is that thing, we will call cancer, standing between us.
In the last two years, I have seen you push me away, and I know why I really do. I have been so angry about it but have just sat in silence to protect our friendship. To not hurt your feelings because I feared to lose you even more. We have so many memories, geez I don’t even know where they begin. The raincoat, the wind chimes, the late night talks, the broken leg, getting pregnant at the same time, and raising our children together, just to say a few.
When I think about how I pictured your wedding day, I never thought I would be feeling this way. I want to be happy; I want to stand by your side and share this day with you, I really do. But it makes me sad to see the person you are turning into, who he is turning you into. There is nothing I can do. I thought it was just in my head for the longest time. I thought it was just me noticing red flags that weren’t there. But today it became apparent not only through your actions but with your words.
When I was in middle school, I had a coach, and if I learned anything from sports I learned from him one thing, I whole heartily believe to this day. If you quit one thing, it only makes it easier to quit the next. Soon quitting just becomes a habit. When I was younger, I thought that only applied to jobs, sports, school, etc. But as an adult, I have learned that it means so much more. It means that every time you let someone control you, even in the littlest way, it makes it that much easier to let them do it again, and again. Soon you don’t even realize how far you are in, and you are just looking for a way out. I was there, and it was lonely, and I don’t want that for you.
Since then I have learned that love doesn’t have conditions, it is unconditional. That you don’t have to cut anyone out of your life, these people are the ones who made you the person you have become. So you need to hold onto them because when it's all over, they are the ones who will stand by your side, wipe your tears, give you a place to live, and continue to let you know that they love you no matter what.
I wish I could tell you all this today. But I know that you’re not ready to hear it. I know you will just say I don’t understand, that he isn’t that way, or that you will be okay. But it’s okay, because I am here, and I will be here when you need me. I am not going anywhere my friend; I am not a quitter. I will not leave you my friend.
