I need to understand

Subject: I need to understand
From: A young mother
Date: 14 Jan 2018

To : my son's absent father.

I don't want to hate you. I really dont. I dont even want to think about you.

You don't deserve my time or energy any more, yet here I am. It frustrates me even more knowing that you don't even give a second thought towards anything. While I'm struggling to understand my own emotions over YOUR decisions.

Some days I'm at an "okay" place, not bad, not good.. just okay. Sometimes, I even try to be happy for you. & Everyday , I try to put myself in your shoes and understand.

Some days I'm disgusted at myself for having so much hate towards you. Sometimes, I pray that I'll be able to fogive you. & Everyday, I try so hard to understand.

Why do i try so hard? You're not even involved. So, Why is it is that I care so much when you care so little?

At the end of everyday, after I've been upset and hurt and have tried to understand... I finally come to the conclusion that you're just pretending.

That your smile is fake, that you're dying inside, that you're not actually happy, that the decisions you've made haunt you, that you constantly have to lie to yourself.

Its weird that I feel better forcing myself to believe that you're miserable... but it beats the alternative-believing that I chose such a heartless person to be my son's father.

I do wonder.. (if) you are happy.... how can you be? How can you just forget about your son? How can you go on about life, knowing you abandoned him? How can you be so selfish?

& Maybe you do or maybe you don't deserve to be miserable.

But, I give you the 'pretending out' to make ME feel better. (And yes its an out because, if you did cared then you would put in actual effort to be a father) I make that excuse for you to make MYSELF feel better.
I have an internal battle because I dont know, I dont understanding.

But Why do I try so hard to understand?

One theory is - that I major in psychology. We want to know the answers and the reasons to everything.

My other theory is- that I fear the day that my son asks about YOU. How will I be able to answer something that I haven't been able to understand myself?

I NEED to understand, for my son.

Whether you do, did, or dont care... I need him to understand that your reasons dont matter, that it isnt his fault, that he didnt do anything wrong, that its okay.

I haven't decided if I'll give you the opportunity to 'explain' yourself.
Maybe he wont want you to.
Maybe he wont care.
Maybe by then, I'll know exactly all the right things to say.

You take my time, you take my peace, you control my emotions and you don't even know it. & I let you, because I want to understand. I want more than anything for my son to understand.