It's been awhile since we last saw each other. I wasn't able to give you a proper goodbye before your departure from this life.
You were sick. Very, very sick. I didn't take in account for how serious your health was a detriment to you. But, you were so amazing at juggling 20 things at once! You were invincible! Your day to day was waking up early at ungodly hours to do stocks.
Shortly after, you went to the place you loved being at: Your job. Your job was more than pushing buttons to make space dildos fly into the unknown. You wanted to revolutionized the world.
Then, after work, you would go home. But, before heading to "The Bakery", you went to McDonald’s on Western. LOL. You're favourite thing to order was TWO EGG MCMUFFIN SAUSAGES AND HASHBROWNS. How would I know that? Because that's typically all you ordered whenever I asked if you wanted anything from McDonald's (Sometimes you were feeling a little adventurous and ordered chicken nuggies.)
You go home, it's about 6PM or 7PM. You spend time at the gym with the boys or with your girlfie. It's 8 or 9. I'm sure you'd be stinky from all that nasty, so you shower. You're probably playing games or watching a video about SpaceX launching it's new space dildo. I always called it a space dildo and I'm sure you didn't like that, but thought it was hilarious because it is a space dildo. It's 10PM or 12AM. Rinse and repeat. Back to 3AM the next day.
You were a super hero to me. You lived a life that everyone would've wanted. It was a difficult life to live with great cost.
I remember the first time I met you at Arena. You're favourite place to get wild.
"Maybe he needs water?"
"Hi! I'm Annie! Are you okay? Would you like to drink water?"
You're answer has always been, "No. I'm good! Thank you!" with a smile on your face and continued to show off your power moves. Mating moves for the girls HAHAHHA. Slowly, our engagement from hanging out and doting you as the "Arena King" quickly shifted to "Big Brother" or "Anh Hai." Before knowing you as this super hero, you were just another guy at Arena. A hot mess, living his best life. I'm grateful to have you as my older brother.
Your house would be the pregame house. Fridays and Saturdays were for drinking and going out. To show you my courtesy, I always brought a bottle of Jameson over and brought food. I don't remember clearly of what was the catalyst of us hanging out outside of our night life, but I'm sure time was a factor. The more I came over, the more we started growing closer as two peas in a pod... With 4054398598435 because you were "Mr. Popular" or "Master Le." As it labels on your Netflix account LOL.
You're objective every time we hung out with the "Little" family was to enjoy the moment together every single Friday to Sundays. And if I got lucky, some time on the weekdays, we'd all have dinner together and watch shows.
We grew closer and closer and shared many things we've experienced in our lives before meeting each other.
You shared stories of your sister. It was heart aching. No wonder why you're the way you are. You're dreams to change the world was awe inspiring. Every time you shared your dreams, you glowed with determination and enterprise.
I thought to myself for the first time that I'm so lucky to have met this person. He brought out the meaning and true definition of what a good friend everyone should be. He always provided a place to stay and food to eat. I never would've thought I'd be in a group with such amazing people that care for each other with sincerity.
I wasn't in a good friend group that provided me with the comfort of being your true self and accepted for it. As soon as I met you, I dropped my previous connections and stuck with you. You gave me a sense of what community feels like. I adored you for it.
It wasn't long until after when we first had a fight. A fight that prolonged the bitter indignation and detest for each other for months. Time apart meant, I never was able to come to you on the weekends to hang. I was never allowed to text you or call you about things I needed help with. I wasn't able to sit down in the same spot of the couch and watch TV and order Postmates or UberEats for us. I wasn't allowed to park on Wilton where the elementary school is and walk to the gates of "The Bakery". I wasn't able to hang out with you in the same group of friends in the same setting. The longer time had passed, the more I detached us because I was angry.
I was angry but still harboured so much love that it hurt me and made me miss you. I never went on a full day without thinking, "How is he doing now? Did he eat yet?" Sometimes, I would look at clock. Depending on what time it might be, I would think of how and what you're doing.
I'd see you at clubs here and there. Rather feeling angry and selfish, I would come up to you and exchange my hello in civil manner. It didn't feel right being there with you after not speaking to you for so long. I knew you were upset at me still and our engagement felt like we were strangers again. But without cordiality and good humour. I felt far but you were very close. I kept my distance to respect your notion and Juanne. My heart yearned to be friends again. I told myself, I'd wait for you whenever you're ready because I'll be ready.
Time has past and the last time we actually had a talk was probably two months ago. I saw you again at Arena. You were wearing the same blue button up that became your signature "LET'S GO OUT" outfit. Rather than having fun, you looked distraught. You wallflowered and spent time on your phone for awhile. I knew what troubled you, but didn't want to address the problem. I knew that I must be the person to let him know. "I want to be there for him." I came up to you and said
"Phil, we haven't hung out, but know I cherish you and our friendship. I'm here for you if you need it."
You almost cried and opened up to me about our fight. The fight about Juanne. You asked me when will the fighting stop. You expressed through tears and agony you missed our friendship and just wanted to be friends again. I felt guilty knowing that I didn't want to push myself in fixing this issue earlier. Without hesitation, I told you I wanted to apologise because I was never fond of you limiting yourself around me.
I wanted to be friends again too. I missed you like hell. I missed your quirky antics and "HELLO" every time I saw you. I wanted to be part of your life again even if it means putting my foot forward to apologise to you and Juanne for the mess I made. But, you stopped me from doing so and told me that I have no obligations. After that, through the frustration and stress that went on for about 45 minutes longer, I stopped. It ended with me saying, I love you and will always be here for you ready when you need it. I never went a day without thinking of you. You grinned and felt at ease. I felt at ease with the smile of comfort you gave knowing I can push another day, waiting.
I didn't realise that night at Arena was the only night I ever got to express my deepest concerns for you. A half assed apology in a setting that is hazy, full of drunk ass people, musky, nasty, loud music with the ambience being disingenuous. A half ass apology was all I got to do. And I'm sure I deserved it for putting you under the stress that shouldn't have started in the first place.
Shortly after, word got out to some about you being in the hospital. I was so angry. The same bitterness that I dropped, resurfaced. I was upset that no one wanted to bridge the gap between us. You were in the hospital? How could my friends not stickup for me knowing that I wanted to see you so bad. I couldn't even have the messenger shoot the message letting you know
"I'm here. You will get through this no matter what. I love you and believe you'll get through this."
I felt helpless, resentment, and frustration that surpassed the threshold of patience and understanding. I was only given updates by two on the status of your recovery. It wasn't enough. I wish I wasn't told so I could live a life with ignorance and having to think you're just mad at me don't want me in your life.
At the same time, I also hoped that the Sky Daddy wouldn't take you away so I can tell you that I love you and miss you and I am sorry. I waited without a day in hoping for the best of this travesty. Because you were my super hero and that can do anything, I was optimistic and certain that you'll be here running around LA painting it red wherever you go after you heal.
"I'm sure doctors at Cedars are great! They'll get my big brother out of the miserable place and have him and running again!"
I thought everyday.
I waited awhile awaiting for good news. Fast forward to January 7, 2020. It was Tuesday at 8:57AM. I get a text about your passing.
Jerome:
"Hey Annie"
"Phil passed"
"Thought I should let you know"
"When did he pass"
"Are you fucking for real"
"You're not joking"
You passed away at 2:35AM. The same day I received the text. Once again, I was riding on the same rollercoaster of emotions. Ever go to Six Flags? My emotions were a clusterfuck of all of the rides into one. Yeah... That was it. Except, after riding 10 60ft tall slopes, the 11th was going down and it went down without stopping. My heart and body dropped to the floor. Maybe even deeper. I couldn't believe what I heard.
My big brother was gone. He left without hearing me say goodbye. I never got the chance to express how he meant to me. I want him back. "Fuck. Everyone." At this point of the day, I cried. And cried so more. And cried so much my extensions fell out. My eyelids and eyeballs began to swell and the snot from my nose dripped and soaked my shirt. I'm a mess, but are you fucking kidding me? My big brother left.
Untimed, unprepared, unexpected, and undeserving.
The future won't be the same and the chance of me seeing you again? Never.
Through this whirlwind of emotion, I blamed Juanne. But, at the same time, should I blame? You're gone and it would be such a disappointment if I still bear the same grudge. The constant push and pull between doing what is right for you and my selfishness was tearing me apart. The same day you passed, I knew I had to do the right thing. But, it was hard. I expressed a lot of my feelings towards my friends. But I only got the same shit, cliche advice and not be angry. Good intentions, but hear me out. I'm hurting and its fucking with me. Fuck you guys. I'll make it up when I'm done blaming.
She messaged me later that night. Taken back, shocked, I had to prepare myself to read her message on Facebook. The message was full of hurt. And although I was mad, that immediately dropped and translated to hurt. I can only understand what she's feeling. She loved you as much as I did, if not more. She was your ride and die as you were mine.
Because I love you, I don't want to you to have to pass on knowing that I haven't fixed things. We exchanged our feelings through Facebook. I was finally able to unveil how I felt about you to her with full transparency and honesty. I no longer felt abhor and was released out of my chains. Deep down, this would've been better if you were around.
I made a promise to you. What resonated in me about you was your act of selflessness without hesitation. You never asked for anything in return but respect, support, and love. I failed to provide you with that. You were such a good person to many and some undeserving. You placed others above yours because the satisfaction of seeing others happy rewarded you. Your job, family, friends were a priority. The responsibility of that is too much to bear for one person. I wish the others who only know you as a good time could see what I see in you. The super hero that everyone needed.
I hope you can hear me when I say this. I always thought sorry was such a shitty word to express my regret failing to acknowledge my wrongs. I wish I communicated more. I wish I was patient and understood more. I can wish for these things, but it's meaningless without you. The future can't be the same knowing that you're not here and that's the reality of life. "Fucking. Sucks. Donkey balls." You really liked that expression. But life is unfair and choosing certain events, you need to understand repercussions. I'll never let myself live down the fact I didn't do what was suppose to be done earlier.
As much as I despise using, "sorry." I am sorry, Phil. I let things go on for too long without recognising the possibility that it'll be too late. I failed you as a friend; as a little sis. I loved you from a distance. I waited for the day where things simmered down so we can be with each other again.
Life is so funny. I always referred to it as a journey everyone rides on a train. Everyone rides in the same car, but sometimes people need to take different stops to get where they need to go and that is okay. However, you're a special case. I guess you decided to take a impromptu stop and had to take a rocket ship to explore the wonders of the unknown without letting us know. But, that’s okay too. You were an adventurous ready to take on anything that comes at you.
I’ll never forget about you. I'll never forget those drunk ass night where I ordered $120 worth of tacos. How you sleep with your mouth open. I would always wake you up and comment on how you sleep. You'd wake up and smile confusingly. "What? What happened?" Sometimes, your phone calls and good morning texts. Oh, let’s not forget how we enable each other to go out..
“ARENA?” “I’M DOWN!!! HAHAHHA”
The smallest things I'll cherish forever. I was afraid to forget you, but in truth, I never will.
I love you. You're at ease. I miss you and it hurts like hell. I never got to say it to you. But, I hope you forgive me. I can’t ever be mad at you even when I am. Thank you for the laughs, and ugly cries we shared together. It’ll be awhile since we’ll see each other again so, save an AMF for us and some seats on your space dildo. One day, we can explore the beyond together with everyone. Goodbye for now, my dear brother.
