I was abandoned. Not at a doorstep or dumped in the trash, but given away. I was not wanted. The decision was made months before I entered the world. Before I breathed my first breath I was given up.
I was adopted by a couple. They were in love. For some reason they were unable to have a child of their own, so to them I was a blessing. God had answered their prayers and I was given to them. I was five days old.
I read in my baby book the promises they made to me. The promise to love me always and never leave my side. The promise to guide me through this life I was given and love me forever. For my father, or the man who pretended to be a father, forever was only five years. He abandoned me too.
It wasn't like those stories you hear where parents split and they still both took part in raising and loving their child,biologic or otherwise. No, when he left he left me too.
I tried to have a relationship with him. I begged and cried. He moved on. He found another woman while he was still married to my mother. He found someone with money and worldly possessions and that meant far more than us.
I remember him pretending to "try" to have a relationship with me. At this point he had already married the woman from the affair, and they had a baby of their own. A real baby. A child that was his blood.
I walked up to him on his driveway and called out to him "daddy" I said. His child, his blood, looked to him and asked "Daddy, why is that girl calling you dad?" He looked to his child, the girl who so closely resembled him and replied " I don't know, bug".
My heart shattered that day and was left broken at my feet. I wasn't his. I never was. I was only my mothers. The mother who adopted me and who raised me. The mother who took on the role of both mom and dad. She and my grandparents were all I had.
I was supposed to be thankful. I knew I was lucky. I wasn't in a foster home or orphanage. I had a family. Someone wanted me. The woman that "he" (the man who promised to be my father) married told me that I wasn't his or theirs. All that I was to them was something they "bought". I was simply a possession. A possession that could easily be thrown away. And that is what he did. Tossed me away like garbage.
I felt lost. I always felt lost. I wanted the love of a man. I craved real love. So many things happened to me. So many things that I won't even speak of. Things that happen in nightmares that you try to bury deep down to dull the pain. Somehow they never really go away though.
I found men who I thought would love me. They didn't. None of them did. I did things I shouldn't have done in hopes of earning their love. It only backfired and I was left feeling worse and more broken than before. At some point in all the relationships I was still left alone sensing abandonment all over again.
Later in my life I found my "real" family. The ones who gave me up. I learned a lot through that. They were young. They couldn't take on that responsibility. They were still in high school and weren't even sure that they would last. The choice was made to give me up because they wanted me to have a better life.
The funny part is that years after my birth they got married. My birth parents stayed together and had two more children. Two girls that they raised together in a happy home.
I am not mad anymore. I'm not bitter. I don't blame them for giving me away. I know that was best at the time. I love those people, my blood family. I love them for trying to do what was best at the time, but I do get a sense of sadness when I see the four of them in a picture together. The four of them that make the family that somehow I was supposed to be apart of.
I love my mother who raised me, because she is the only mother I have.She is the only one I will ever call mom. I owe my life to her and my grandparents, who are now both gone from this earth.
I am now married with two beautiful children. I am not married to their father though. That ended in divorce many years ago. I am content in my life. I am with the man I believe God wanted me to be with. I don't fear abandonment with him. I don't doubt his love.
I look back on my life and I know that all these things happened for a reason. I know that I suffered for a purpose and that good things can come from the pain. Pain makes us grow if we allow it to.
I now have a relationship with my birth family and the support of my mom. In a since I now have two families. I am not alone anymore and I wont be abandoned again.
I do sit and wonder what my life would have been in a different circumstance. I wonder where I would be or if my morals and values would be the same. I wonder if I would be who I am now or someone totally different.I wonder if life would have been easier and the pain could have been avoided, but then I realize that this was all in God's plan and His plan is greater than mine.
I still don't have a relationship with the man who adopted me and then walked away. I can't remember the last time I talked to him. I know that the ache I had for all those years for him has finally faded away. There is a dull pain every now and again, but the ache is finally gone.
I have learned that life is what you make it. I no longer focus on the bad, because God has blessed me with so much good. The emptiness I had for a father was filled by my Heavenly father! He was there the entire time and it took me a long time to see that! God never left me alone. He was with me in the darkest hours and He is who held my hand and walked me through. In all the secrets, in all the nightmares, in all the pain He was there and He will always be there.
I am not alone. I was never alone. People, no matter who they are, can come and go. People will always walk in and out of our lives. Sometimes by choice, and sometimes because of life's circumstances. When we think we have been abandoned and are left to wonder this earth alone all we have to do is look up. God is with us. He is there through it all.
I guess I wasn't abandoned after all.
