To the friend who got away

Subject: To the friend who got away
From: Me
Date: 1 Apr 2018

To the friend who got away,
You’re gone from my life. I’m not sure if you’ll ever return. But before that let me go back to the beginning. I still remember the first time I met you and how anxious and nervous I was to meet someone that I felt like I had a connection to after talking for so long. I still remember how I was more eager than you were to meet and how I was barely settled in and you wanted to come over. I remember texting my best friend and freaking out because what if I said something stupid? What if you hated me and I wasn’t good enough? But you came and I was okay. I was glad I got it over with. From here, it could only go up. I counted the days and I saw you for the first 18 days of the semester. I think after thought I knew you’d be around a lot. As each day passed we grew closer and I grew more comfortable. I found someone who I wanted to spend all of my time with and wanted to get to know more. This began one of the most up and down friendships I’ve ever had.
Almost every day we talked. When we didn’t it felt weird, and I felt like part of me was missing. Looking back, you were a huge part of my life. You met all of my friends and they loved you. We all got to hang out together and I thought this was picture perfect. Everyone was happy. But behind all the happiness was toxicity. We would get into stupid fights pretty often and not talk for a few days but I always caved and said something first because I always missed you when we weren’t speaking. These fights seemed to be more consistent but I never doubted that we’d be okay in the end. We had been through a lot and I thought that was enough. We seemed to be okay most of the time. We drove to Philly for a concert together, we spent countless drunken nights together, we did everything together. And I thought that’s how it was always going to be. You and me forever. I thought you’d stand up next to me at my wedding because I thought you’d be there for me through it all. There was a time where I thought I could never live without you.
But here we are. We aren’t friends anymore. This isn’t one of those stupid fights that we get over easily, this Is serious. You broke my trust and I broke yours. When I wanted to move past it and try to rebuild our friendship you decided that you didn’t want to. This is where we differ. I always felt like I cared more than you. I always put in more effort. I always tried my best to be the best friend I could be to you. I never really thought it would come to this. I’ve been very split on how to feel. Part of me wants to hate you because it would be easier to get over you. I lost a big part of my life. But part of me knows that I will always care for you and want the best for you. That part of me is always going to love you and remember all the good times we had. I thought by deleting you out of my life I was being the stronger person but I wasn’t. I feel lost and alone. Because for the past year you’ve been there and now you’re not. I haven’t figured out how to manage that yet. I don’t know how you feel and I never might. I still haven’t run into you since and I’m not sure if I ever will. What I know is that I miss you and that I always want you to be happy whether or not that includes me. To the friend that got away, I love you.