We were friends for a long time. Inseparable. Even though there was a time we couldn't stand each other in high school somehow we made it out together in the big bad world. Working together. Looking at apartments to move in together. We both knew we were total opposites and we fought all the time.
You always said whatever you wanted to me. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how much of it you knew was a lie. Did whatever you wanted because you knew I would still accept you and support you and be there when you drunk dialed me at 2 in the morning.
We saw each other every day. I brought you to church with me. Told you about every deep dark secret I had ever hidden. About how hard it was for me to get over my high school sweetheart.
And then I got a boyfriend who was the most amazing thing that ever stepped into my life.
And then our friend, my best friend, got engaged and was trying to fix up an old run down house.
In between the planning of the wedding and you in your new job that paid more money and with Me balancing school full time, a new relationship and a part time job. There was a distance created. I didn't notice it until the last second.
My boyfriend became everything to me.
And naturally started to spend a lot of time with me.
I started spending my free time with him.
It's just what happens.
But what also happened was all the things you told me with honesty turned out to be lies. I really can't believe I spent so much time thinking you couldn't lie to me. But I guess that makes me naive. After all, you told me yourself that you're a compulsive liar.
Like that time senior year when you told me right after I had gotten out of a relationship that you saw my ex sharing a motel with a woman.
But you didn't. And you saw me cry really fresh tears over a really fresh breakup and knew you were lying.
Or that time when we were going to go to church and you told me you were sick and so I tried to get you someplace safe so you could lay down and in the middle of all that we had an accident.
I had never been more distraught in my life.
I thought I had lost you and you were gone. Before the accident happened you had your head in your lap telling me to go that you were about to get sick.
But when we were in the hospital you told the officer and staff that you were never sick, just on your menstrual cycle and that you saw the car coming. That I saw it too.
I kept it together when you talked non-stop about how ugly my new boyfriend was and how much you didn't like him. I kept it together when I told you I had lost my virginity and how I thought he was the one and you called me a slut.
No matter what I said about how he makes me laugh and smile and all the adventures we go on. About how he would stay up with me until 2 in the morning helping me with school projects.
I kept it together when you began hanging out with my friends more than me. And when eventually they started talking bad about him just as much as you were.
I know you didn't like him. I know you're not a bad friend. That you were just trying to protect me after you saw me cry when we broke up. That I was making a bad decision when I forgave him a couple of hours later.
But what really got under my skin is when I asked you to support me and you were no where to be found. That when I was at the beach two months before the wedding, You made it look like I was the maid of honor that didn't care. I saw all the messages that trashed me.
The nights before the wedding were the absolute worst.
I had no money to my name and you were trashing me for not paying the 50 dollars for the monogrammed letter she asked for.
And then I went shopping with my boyfriend. His family made the monogrammed letter for me. He wanted something nice to wear to the wedding and was in the dressing room trying on clothes when i had to tell him he wasn't invited. That my best friend grew to hate him.
He read every single message she sent, every message you sent.
I had a full panic attack the night before the wedding.
I had supported both of you whenever you called. No matter what time and never said a word. Because that's what friends do.
I couldn't breathe and was crying so much I was gagging.
It all caught up to me so fast I couldn't process it all.
He was driving me to the bachelorette party when it happened. We pulled over in a school parking lot and he stroked my hair and calmed down. I knew that night I couldn't do it anymore. I put on some makeup, had a long chat with my Mom. I decided to everything I could for the wedding. Make that day the best it could be for her and then stop talking for a while.
You were one of my absolute best friends but how could I keep on when you were lying to me. Talking bad about me behind my back and completely trashing my boyfriend. Every time I saw you.
I love you. And I still do. I only want what's best for you. But I don't trust you anymore.
I wanted to just take a break and stop talking to everyone after the wedding. I didnt want to respond or call anyone out or post vague angry Facebook statuses because I was so done with the drama. But then I read that horribly nasty text message you sent me trashing my relationship and my life. He read it too.
He made the decision for me because I was so upset. He knew I would forgive and put myself right back out there.
He proposed to me.
And you thought you could just jump back in after saying all those hurtful things and be in the wedding.
I'm sorry. I just couldn't. Not then.
I wanted to forgive SO BAD and make everything good again. A part of me still does.
Sorry I stopped talking and it hurt you.
Sorry I wasn't there for you when you were going through an abusive relationship.
Sorry I cut myself off from the world.
Sorry I wasn't there at the baby shower and through all of the pregnancy.
It was really the worst thing to do because this last year has been the worst year of my life.
I never once explained my reasoning behind anything. Just that he made the decision for me and was enforcing it for my benefit. For a while it caused a huge rift in our relationship. We pushed back the wedding. Had numerous fights over it. And I felt I had no one.
No one said sorry to him.
And no has to.
But there it is.
I hope you know it was and is the hardest thing I've ever done. And I have no hard feelings toward anyone.
