I want to first start off by saying that I do not hate you anymore. I used to hate you. I hated you for everything you not only put us through, but also what you put mom through. I used to hate hearing your name, I hated thinking about what you did, and I hated thinking about all of the time I spent on wishing you were around. Then I came to the realization that I was wasting my time hating you. I was putting in too much energy that you just did not deserve.
I have had so many people ask me about you. People who know you ask “do you speak to your father?” Or the people who don’t know you, I have to tell them I don’t speak to my father when they ask why I don’t ever speak of you. I read about people losing their mothers and fathers and I feel absolutely devastated for them. They had a father or mother who loved them and wanted to be in their lives. They never walked out on their family. And they lose that parent in some of the hardest ways. And then there’s you… You chose to leave on your own, under your own free will and never look back. Never chose to fight for your children and just accept the fact that “they chose their mother”. Instead, you post on Facebook the random posts about your children, being proud of our accomplishments, acting as if you have had an encouragement as to helping us become the people we are today. When in reality, you can’t answer the questions: where is she working now a days? What law classes is your daughter taking this year? When is you one daughter graduating? What is your son’s major? When was the last time you saw your children?
I can’t say that I care about you, or that I dislike you. I honestly have no feelings once so ever towards you anymore. In the beginning I was upset and so incredibly heartbroken. Especially with the fact that you walked out one month before my high school graduation. You left and missed out on some of the most important parts of my life. You were not there for my senior prom, or when I made the decision which college I was going to attend. You weren’t there for my senior photos, you weren’t there when I got to dress for my first basketball game after my injury; the injury that I worked so hard during rehab just to get back to playing for you. You weren’t around for the college visits I took to the schools that you wanted me to attend to play a sport that you pushed down my throat so hard. You weren’t there on graduation night to celebrate the ending of one chapter and the beginning of another.
Most importantly, you have not been there during some of the biggest moments of my life these past two and a half years of college. You weren’t there when I received my Associates Degree, or when I found out I was graduating a year and a half early. You weren’t there when I got the call about being chosen over thousands of candidates to be an intern for the Buffalo Bills. You weren’t around when I lost my only grandmother or when I felt my first true heartbreak. You weren’t around for any of the mental breakdowns about being stressed about finals or exams. You weren’t around to watch me grow into the woman I am today.
You have missed out on so many memorable moments these past few years and you’re just going to miss more. At first I was angry, I hated you for leaving. Then I got sad and confused. I could not understand for the life of me why you would leave when all of us kids were on our way to doing extraordinary things. Then I got so upset and blamed myself because I thought it was my fault you walked out. In the end, this is was the best decision you could have made. You are now living your new life, with the family who gives you an out whenever you make a mistake or when you walk away from your actual family they welcome you and make you feel as if we are in the wrong. You’re living a life that does not represent the family you had for 26 years. When you walked out, you threw us away. You threw away the people who stood by your side through all of the alcohol, fights, tears, and arguments.
And because you weren’t around, I want to do something that I never thought I would do, and that is say thank you. You leaving was the best thing that could not only have happened to me, but also to mom. You leaving made me realize that nothing is promised, no one has to remain in your life, and at the end of the day the people who do want to be in your life will make an effort. I know in your defense, a monthly mass text that you send to us four children should be enough, but it’s not. I know in your mind you are doing everything you can by sending that text and when we choose not to reply, that is on us and you have done everything you can.
But truly, thank you for walking out on all of us when the going got tough. When mom finally decided to stick up for herself and tell you “no”. When she received the rude call from you asking for a “ride” when you were arrested for drinking and driving. If you would not have left, I don’t know if she would have ever found the strength to do what needed to be done and divorce you. Man, if you could see her now. The way she smiles for no reason, or how she is finally living her life for herself. She hands down is a stronger person now without you than she ever was with you.
Thank you for showing me what I do not want in a man. Someone that relies on alcohol in order to have a good time with their family. Someone who chooses to fill their life with alcohol instead of the joys that their family could bring. Thank you for making me realize that there is more in life than just alcohol. I spent so much of my childhood riding with mom trying to find which bar you decided to go belly up to instead of coming home to us. I still have the photos on my phone of you passed out drunk on the living room floor because you were too drunk to make it to bed. I never will marry a man who puts their children what you put us through.
Thank you for showing me who is really there for me when it matters the most. When I sat outside the court room that Tuesday in May when you and your mother chose to go on the offense against mom. When you purposefully made the judge remove us from the court room because you knew the lies you were getting ready to tell. Thank you for making me realize who my real family was. Not just the family who believed I needed to reach out to you, or the family who chose to run their mouths about mom and the rest of us. The family who welcomed you with open arms when you turned your back on your family, the ones that had to deal with the drinking and the anger the most. The family you ran to or the one you currently fill your days with don’t know the feeling when you come home late, if you come home at all, yelling and slamming doors. They don’t know about the times you would show up drunk to sporting events or when you would be absolutely miserable if you didn’t drink. No, instead I know who my real family is. The grandpa who drops everything just to fix a flat tire, or the grandma who gives up her car just so you can make it to school the next day. Or the family that reaches out to you when a loved one passes, you remember when my grandma passed away and you didn’t say a single word to any of us? When we spent the week crying and a complete mess, our own “father” did not reach out and say a single word.
So thank you for leaving at one of the most important times in my life. Thank you for making the bare minimum effort when it comes to reaching out and being apart of my life. Because of you, I am the woman I am today. I have values and morals. I know when to say enough is enough and walk away from the alcohol. I know the consequences of disappointing the people I truly love. And the most important thing I know now is that never in my life, will I turn my back on the family that has been there for me through it all.
Through all of the hard times, you walked out and never looked back. Your excuse being that we picked sides and when we picked we chose mom’s side. Well, that was the best choice ever to be made. The purpose of this letter isn’t to bash on you or everything that you have done the past few years. It is an honest thank you letter for leaving and doing everything you have done up until this point. Because without your actions, I would have never come to look at mom the way I do now. With more love and respect than I could have ever imagined. So thank you for that.
