Exoneration for Two: an open letter of forgiveness to my biological father
Dear Father,
Thank you for bringing me into the world. And spending those first few years with me(my baby years). I remember when I got a little older and my mom had met my awesome step dad, she would still try to keep you and I connected. She would drop me off at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and you would be there. You would teach me how to play some new video game on your Xbox that you had just bought at the game store. I remember playing mortal combat the most, it was my favorite. We would spend late nights at the house watching The Hulk, Daredevil or some other comic book action hero movie that I came soon to love. Sometimes you had enough money to take me to the movie theatre near the house. You would buy me the kids pack with popcorn, candy and a soda, the aroma every now then reminding me of you. You showed me that when you fall down you have to right back up, when you tried to stop me from falling from our neighbor’s pogo stick(unsuccessfully)one summer and skinning my knee in the process, or people will kick you when you are down, you would say. You told me about your hardships in life and how I can avoid them in my own; you taught me how to be tough.
Trailing throughout the later years of my childhood, you have become more and more distant; trying to deal with your grief and whatever else you have going on inside, alone. You never call me anymore(even on my birthday), visit me(even though we live like 4 blocks away) and the times when I did come to visit, before things got rough, you would get offended so easily(whenever I talked about my household family or my stepdad) and go sulk outside somewhere or in the basement away from everyone. You seemed less and less approachable and I began to feel uncomfortable around you, wanting to come over less often. We soon were disconnected; the bond we shared, like you now, have become a distant memory...slowly fading away. You are like a stranger to me; feeling awkward whenever there is a rare chance that I do get to see you. I realize now that I’m older, that things are difficult for you and that you have your own issues and personal problems to work out in life. You probably feel ashamed; like you are not the father I deserve and wish you could be or maybe you don’t feel like that at all but, you do not have to be perfect for me to love and care for you. I want you to know that. You might not be the warm and fuzzy sort of dad like you want to be, but you never were and I don’t expect you to be. All I want for you is to be with and support your mom and dad in these strenuous times in anyway that you can; small or big, just be there and show them you care. I know you still care for me in your own way, but it’s too much to ask for you to be there for me also.
I’m writing to you dad because I feel that we have lost our way as a whole and I fear and have come to the sad but undeniable understanding that we can never gain it back. Although I do miss you and I know that you’ll always be apart of me, I know that it’s time let go and so, therefore, I forgive you. I forgive you for being a constant absence in my life, for not calling me on my most recent birthdays, for forgetting what grade I’m in and how old I am, for not knowing or even asking what I like to do and who my best friends are, for not knowing my little brothers names, for becoming detached from the family when we needed you the most, for being a hypocrite and allowing life’s circumstances and your grief to keep you down and for letting others are kick you while you are. You are going ...further and further into the abyss of nothingness. I forgive you. I am also laying my burdens from you down and placing you into God’s hands so that I may be free of constant guilt and worry for your life. My prayer for you is to find God, obey and trust in Him, change your life for the better and become the man that I know deep down that you will be proud and unashamed of and are capable of being. Amen.
An Exoneration for Two(the two of us): you become withdrawn, I no longer feel like your daughter, I then forgive you seeing how it is aimless to hold onto past mistakes, you are now relieved and forgiven, simultaneously I have liberated myself likewise. : )
Your hopeful and forgiving daughter
