To E,
You'll never read this, and even you do, you probably won't know it's for you. Isn't it pathetic, how I still think about you, even after all these years? I still can't think of your name without feeling the sinking in my stomach.
To say I miss you would be a lie but to say I am indifferent would be a bigger one. I don't want you in my life anymore, and I know you don't want me in yours. Still, I wonder what would've happened if things kept going.
I wonder that a lot, nowadays. I still remember your birthday. And what your favorite ice cream flavor was, back then. And the food you're allergic to. So every late April, and sometimes when I see mint chocolate chip ice cream, and very rarely when I walk pass the berries in the grocery store, I spiral. Which sucks because my birthday is in the same month, and mint chocolate chip is a popular flavor, and my darling loves berries.
So I am in desperate need to move on.
You never gave me the closure that suited my brain, and I didn't really deserve it, so I will have to find that closure on my own.
In any case, I hope you've been well. I have been rather well myself, despite this nagging but relatively small turmoil. Do you remember the girl I always wanted? We've been together for over a year now, and very happy for the most part. Being the age we are, it only makes sense to occasionally fight about stupid things but we always talk about it and make up. I love her. I think I'm going to marry her, one day, despite my views on marriage. She deserves the wedding she has always wanted.
But I digress. I am changed now, at least I'd like to think so, but that doesn't matter. I wonder what you would think about who I am today. I wonder what you would say if you knew how you still affect me.
So I hope you've been well. I hope you still have a group of friends to rely on, and that you haven't lost your passion. I don't think I ever said this to you but I always thought you were talented.
None of that were the point of this, though. Isn't it funny how I've always derailed the discussion to various nothings when the point of it was brief all along?
I'm sorry. Truly. For everything, but especially that comment about your dog. That was messed up and gross and I honestly don't know how I would even try to rationalize it. I'm sorry for all the pain I could have caused you, with the things I did and failed to do. I was not a great friend. I can't say you were either. But I am grateful to have had you in my life.
So I thank you, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.
- N
