Elizabeth,
You will find below, a map of your mind and your behavior over the past six weeks. Given how important self-awareness is to you I think you are going to find the below to be as eye opening as I did. I have also written you a letter which is on dropbox.
BPD Symptoms and Information:
I recommend watching this first: Youtube video with general information made by someone with bpd. Quick and easy to watch.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/4r057i/i_suffer_from_bpd_so_i_made...
1. You find yourself experiencing excessive, unstable and poorly regulated emotional responses.
The most commonly affected emotions are anger, anxiety and depression.
Affective (emotional) instability including intense, episodic emotional anguish, irritability, and anxiety/ panic attacks
Anger that is inappropriate, intense and difficult to control, and
Chronic feelings of emptiness. Patients often report feelings of being disconnected or being “not of this world”.
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours or less.
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
+++ Elizabeth, since the return of your symptoms, you have gone through a range of emotional outbursts which are outside of how you acted during two years of health and being off meds. Little things add up over time and a boiling point was hit. This includes going from crying and sobbing to screaming and making blood threats to dancing like it is the best day of your life even with no music on, to being ice cold and distant, to being dark, quiet and suicidal, all within the span of a few hours or a few days. Anger/rage that leads you to punish others or sabotage your life, and sadness or pain that leads to self harm, and anxiety which leads to performance loss (Followed by more anger/depression), are serious concerns.
In addition, per the above, you have complained of feeling all alone and like an alien no one can understand on more than one occasion, most recently the night before her episode began. This feeling is normal and common with bpd. You are not alone.
2. Impulsive behaviors that are harmful to you or to others.
A markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of your self (your identity), and
Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative episodes (transient and stress related) This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.
In addition, you may consistently experience
Expectations of negative and harmful attitudes and behaviors from most people
Impaired social reasoning under stress
Impaired memory under stress
Also, you may engage in other impulsive behaviors such as actions that are harmful and destructive to yourself, others or to property. A loved one who gets in the way of your whims, or stops you from impulsive actions, may find him or herself a victim to your "Splitting" and other damaging behaviour (See below)
+++Your impulsive decision to go to Europe, and my getting in the way of you going so your show was not impacted is a perfect example. I stopped your whim and you responded by black splitting me and having three days of emotional turmoil where you quit your gigs, left mark high and dry, and ended your volunteer work, blew up your personal life, ended our friendship, and left Austin.
Your reasoning under stress is something that you struggle with when you puts a ton of pressure on yourself to perform. It happened with third coast, reggae fest, and with Portland.
3. You may have an inaccurate view of yourself and others, and experience a high level of suspiciousness and other misperceptions.
Your recent letter to me that you misperceived my care and thankfulness as an attempt to get back with you, or my desire to hold your hand out of love as manipulation are perfect examples of this.
4. You may experience tumultuous and very unstable relationships.
The final two DSM-IV criteria fall in this group:
You may engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and
Your relationships may be very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to you (Splitting).
Traits involving relationships
5. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by Splitting (see below).
6. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone experiencing BPD once said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground." Splitting is referred to as “Black Splitting” and “White Splitting” as the loved one is shifted from being seen positively to a negative view and back again. After Splitting occurs, there is often a period of mourning as emotional clarity begins to return, and the reality of actions taken, and the harm is realized. This can lead to further depression.
Splitting can occur for reasons which do not make sense to those affected by it. Patients have reported Splitting for reasons like their loved one’s were “carrying a grocery bag the wrong way, or if they were “stopped from acting on a whim”. Splitting often involves emotional outbursts, self-sabotage, and self-harm.
++++The night you ended our relationship, I asked you what you didn’t like about me, as you had just told me during our anniversary that you had the best two years of your life with me. I wanted to understand what I did wrong. I asked what you didn’t like about me, and what I needed to change so this never happened to me again.
Your replies:
a. I eat too loudly sometimes or chew with my mouth open (which literally any eating sounds from anyone are enough to make her extremely upset so we played music whenever we ate and this is a very common component of bpd according to the bpd community).
b. I snore sometimes (allergic to Mr. Snugs skin condition)
c. I need to wear a certain item of clothing.
I asked what else, and you said you couldn’t think of anything but would let me know if you did. I was stunned as none of those things were impossible to change and were all minor.
To you, blocking your whim to Europe by asking you to simply delay the trip ( a decision you ironically made on your own anyway) and those things above etc… were enough to want nothing to do with me. I called the next day about getting medication or surgery for the snoring and getting a maid to take the pressure of cleaning duties off your plate and made you breakfast in bed. You responded by white splitting me for about four hours, where you asked me to print out and hang up artwork, danced around the house all excited and ended up in the tub crying for three hours over the decision you were making out of emotion. You showed your warm loving self before slipping back again hours later.
At Walmart working to make our life better, and finish up making the house look good, I had told you that the impact that getting wrapped up in planning a big trip gave me concern the show we invested so much in would be negatively affected. I also rightfully told you that I felt Sam was being disrespectful, which is something I have the right to feel. Our agreement to have an open relationship also came with the agreement that there would be no staying over night and a safe word. I felt we had better things to do than worry about Sam and some other trip before Portland. My attempting to talk reason and temporarily block that whim was what led to you telling me you were suicidal and to the look of hate you gave me in Walmart, and was the first major trigger to black splitting. All the little things over the past also helped trigger that, despite them being issues of eating sounds or passing comments about dance which you took as me trying to control you.
I have been told by my therapist that without treatment you are going to continue to do this to those in your life. Splitting is very real and it is common. Those who split do not know they are doing it and see nothing wrong with themselves, which is why BPD is apparently hard to treat They blame and project and find any rhyme or reason why it must be done. Then they go through depression and mourning and then white split again after that. I asked in the support group if this can be reversed or stopped and the suggestions were that I should take this as an opportunity to be free from the cycle of abuse, as it takes years of therapy and medication to end this pattern and that I must accept that you need help, not me.
• Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
++++ When you left you told me you felt the need to “destroy her world” so you could take the space you needed to become yourself. When I asked what part of yourself you did not explore here, given you chased every dream and whim you had, you had no answer. You alternated on sometimes an hourly basis between loving me and being warm to being downright offensive, ice cold or crying about how you were upset about your decisions. Then you would then tell me you need space, and then come back to me as if you hadn’t said that (like asking me to hang artwork or go to the bedroom with you). You told me to not be a part of your career and hours later you needed help with your costume. See what I mean?
• Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
+++++The emails asking me if I gave away your things to someone else, are an example of this. I would never, ever, do that. You know that. My actions since you left are proof of that. But in your state you chose to accuse me of that instead and genuinely feared that I was being nefarious. This all despite me sending your things, offering to help pay for half the shipping, my packing your things, taking photos of where the valuables were etc…You have a lot going on in your mind, and distrust is one of them. You were NOT like that before the symptoms reemerged as you and I trusted each other completely. We had total transparency with each other, but for a couple little things like that night at the club you eventually told me about later. So to see the distrust and accusations recently has been a bummer.
• Sensitivity to criticism or rejection. People with BPD will experience periods where any and all criticism or rejection can trigger emotional episodes including rage, irritability, and despair.
++++Any and all criticism during your symptoms occurring has led to rage or emotional outbursts, thus I have avoided these whenever possible. You project these criticisms and use them for further reasons to black split or act in an abusive manner.
• Feelings Create Facts (emotional reasoning)
In general, emotionally healthy people base their feelings on facts. If your dad came home drunk every night (fact) you might feel worried or concerned (feeling). If your boss complimented you on a big project (fact) you would feel proud and happy (feeling).
People with BPD, however, may do the opposite. When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This is often referred to as cutting and splicing. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours.
+++++Your view of your life, me, and any given situation is normally very stable. When symptoms reappear this changes and your actions and beliefs change with every single mood you have. As an example…rreaching out and acting with care one evening to threatening undeserved restraining orders hours later.
• Unstable feelings of self - People with BPD may not see themselves clearly. They may have career goals and life plans that are always changing, and at the same time will criticize themselves excessively for it. Many people suffer from low self esteem and need time to "figure themselves out," but this is also very common in people with BPD.
7. Projection
Due to the chronic feelings of emptiness and identity disturbance that people diagnosed with BPD experience they feel incredibly lonely and that is intensely painful. To cope people diagnosed with BPD will put these feelings on to others so if we are thinking negatively about ourselves then surely everyone else is thinking the same and agrees with our thoughts. A person diagnosed with BPD may project their own faults onto others in the process.
We refuse to accept our emotions, behaviours and feelings and project them onto someone else often in an accusing manner. People diagnosed with BPD sometimes say partners or friends have the disorder instead because they have projected their own difficulties on to them.
The extreme feelings that a person diagnosed with BPD feel are usually believed to be facts so if a partner is slightly irritated with a person diagnosed with BPD, the person diagnosed with BPD then perceived the irritability to be hatred.
In the unconsciousness of a borderline they hope that by projecting onto you that they will feel better, unfortunately that doesn’t last and so it begins again to make the person diagnosed with BPD feel better.
+++++Despite being your biggest supporter, daily encourager, photographer, financial backer and flat out fan of your performances which I attended over 150 of them and missed only 5, I have been accused of stifling and trampling your creativity. You are aware that you did not have a great performance in Portland and now blame me, telling your that I negatively impacted your performance in Portland for making a passing comment about dance a couple of times months ago (your own teacher later told her the exact same thing).
This is but what example. I never tried to control your dance, but you post on facebook that I trampled your creativity, in the same thread you posted pics wearing a costume I found and paid for, with tickets bought from savings funds I gave you, and airplane tickets I funded, after practicing it with a teacher in a space and lessons I funded. The irony of this was not lost on me and should not be lost on you.
I have been your biggest supporter. The real reason your Portland performance struggled is the same reason it did at the other two big shows. You did not schedule your production and track progress, as I told you to do, and you put massive pressure on yourself.
To blame me as If I was controlling your dance (I am a layman and to try to control your dance would be stupid, which I am not, despite what your projection is telling you…and you don’t do anything someone tries to make you do anyway). I didn’t control your dancing. I gave you space and opportunity to control your own dance and thrive and you spent more time on reddit than practicing. That’s fact. May the lesson be learned. I am aware you feel the way you do, but those feelings are not facts. Those feelings are projection.
Everything Is Your Fault
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy.
Family members have been raged at and castigated for such things as brushing their teeth without using mouthwash first, having bed sheets that weighed too heavily on the BP's toes, and reading a book the BP demanded they read. One exasperated non-BP said that if by some chance he didn't make an unforgivable error one day, his wife would probably rage at him for being too perfect. Projection, in the mind of the BPD, gives them the right and permission to paint black, isolate and denigrate the person he or she is projecting onto.
If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset.
+++++You told me repeatedly that my refusal to immediately agree with you about the Europe trip was my not listening to you. You then told me that my not listening to her was making you feel suicidal.
You now blames me for being the reason you suddenly and unexpectedly had to blow up your life and go to Florida, for being as you told raf “a manipulative menace”, lied to me about seeing my paintings, tried to get me to stop painting, acted abusively, try to cause me to be upset and feel pain so you can regain your emotional control and feel like your decisions are valid.
My therapist and the support group all tell me that will change to mourning and regret at some point. It is the nature of black splitting.
Miscellaneous attributes:
• Those affected by BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party
+++++Hands down you are the life of the party and the fun and inspiration in the room. It is your livelihood too.
• They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
+++++Alone time is when you get suicidal thoughts.
• Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations and abrupt changes in friendship circles.
+++++This one hit close to home.
• Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.
+++++This is reported by nearly all those affected by BPD.
• Suicidal behavior or engaging in self-mutilation and self harm.
+++++Your arms are no longer what you cut. It’s your life and career and relationships that must suffer when your symptoms are present. You were very caring to Sandro over his cutting himself. That is the Elizabeth I know and love and the one with the symptoms above is still new to me.
Resources:
Search terms that will help find answers:
BPD
Borderline Personality Disorder
BPD Suicide (this topic will hopefully expedite the therapy matter as the rates are so extremely high)
BPD Symptoms
BPD Solutions
BPD Splitting
BPD Splicing
BPD Types
BPD Projection
Videos:
Watch this first: Youtube video with general information made by someone with bpd. Quick and easy to watch. https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/4r057i/i_suffer_from_bpd_so_i_made...
Ross Rosenberg – leading expert on BPD has four really informative videos that will shed light on things and offer some insight and point further in the right direction to answers
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdsdbto7hkXtbVo0ZFSJz-r_zBXJX2Q8p
BPD Documentary - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=967Ckat7f98
Projection:
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/projection
Splitting:
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/splitting-ideali...
Triggering:
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/triggering-over-...
General links:
http://gettinbetter.com/perfect.html
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-perso...
http://www.timberlineknolls.com/mood-personality/borderline-personality/...
Communities and support groups
There are numerous online support groups which offer great information
Reddit BPD is one of the most active and caring online support groups for those dealing with the symptoms you have and the childhood abuse related-
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/top/
Reddit BPD Loved Ones is for those affected by BPD and it has been a wealth of information. Family members often voice frustration and yet it is a very helpful and caring community that offers a lot of great info.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/top/
Example posts include:
Splitting
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/22g4hg/questions_about_splitting_b...
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/4cr5vx/splitting_and_self...
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/1wpv60/how_does_splitting_work_wit...
What caused users BPD - https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/4vffv3/what_caused_your_bpd/?st=is...
Books
Walking on Eggshells
https://onedrive.live.com/?authkey=%21APBIG_4Fa_cD0_k&cid=683D791457B2DC...
And others:
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2012/05/three-books-everyon...
Treatment options (It is of note that the bpd support groups all advise to NOT have them off medication due to the risk of suicide and self harm.
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/what-is-bpd/treating-bpd/
