Hey, I don’t know what to say nor how to say it. But the feeling I have for you are misconstrued. I grew up the first 10 years of my life not knowing you existed. After you left when I was 3 months old and my two brothers were 5 and 7. I grew up thinking I had no father. You were kept hidden, or you just didn’t show yourself to me during the first 4 years of my life. Thankfully, I had a real dad, a father, show up and take care of my single mother and her three kids. But my brothers... they knew about you, they missed you and wondered where you went, but without any contact from you in those 4 years they couldn’t do anything except tell my mother they missed you. They wanted to see you, it just took 10 years for you to “want” to see them and me. I put want into quotation because we both know why you had to see us, if he didn’t see us then my mother would have brought you to court for failure to pay child support for those 10 years. For 10 years, I didn’t know you. The first time we met my two brothers came along. I had nothing but excitement and confusion during the car ride to your house. When I first saw you I cried. Not because I finally saw you for the first time, but I had a man that looked like me, had the same interests as me, but didn’t know me. I saw the look you gave me, back then I didn’t know what it was. But now I understand when you looked at me you had a face full of regret, guilt, and happiness. When my brothers saw you, they didn’t embrace you. They said their greetings and got into your car after telling mom how much they don’t want to be there. We spent a a couple of my birthdays together, sadly you were never there nor texted nor called my two older brothers for their birthdays. You know your two children that were there during your drunk destruction sprees, they still have scars from you. I just don’t know what to say. Fast forward 10 more years. I know you now. I am 20 years old, with a hopeful future ahead of me and sophomore year of college just ended. I dearly want to reach out to you and get to know you, but it seems you’re still in the same mindset as when I was 3 months old to now. I miss you, but not as a father, I miss you as just a person. I have no true love towards you other than I know without you I wouldn’t be here. I wish you could change, I wish we could have a father son bond, I have had so many wishes during these 20 years of my life it hurts to know that my older brothers had these same wishes. Despite them reaching out to you, nothing has changed. O wish I could say I love you and how I wish I could love you, but you just don’t want me. Nonetheless, I’m 20 years old now. I have learned a lot about this world through you so thank you for that, without you I wouldn’t know just how heartless people can be and how substance can take over someone’s life. Maybe if you quit drinking youd be happy. But you’re 59 now, remarried, and living in a nice house. So I guess money does buy happiness huh. Just know Appa, I was a 10 year old boy happy to see my biological father for the first time when you told me. “You are not my son, just my seed, you have a real father in Chad.” How my dreams of us together were crushed in that moment. I hope you’re doing okay, despite everything you’ve put me and my family through I still care for you. Because like I said earlier I wouldn’t be here without you.
