You know, its midnight and i have been up for an hour now just bawling my eyes out. Why? Because why do i even try anymore? Why do i still try to joke around with you when all i get is a glare? Why do i try to start a normal every day plain ol conversation with you when you ignore me and dont respond to the simplest questions? Why do i find myself deciding whether or not you even LIKE me let alone love me? You are confused in so many aspects of our relationship. The problem is that i have become a family-oriented-powerhouse of a mother and a problem solver, and i still have time to cook and clean the house and be with our kids. And quite honestly, i think that scares you more than your fear of me being unfaithful. I dont have any reason to be unfaithful, because i dont need anyone else in my life but these 2 kids. They make me work hard, they make me want to change from the way shit was in the past, they make me want to be the best person i can be because i adore them and i know they deserve stability. Stability. Do you know what that word means? "the quality, state, or degree of being stable", you know, something we have NEVER had in the 10 years we have been together. Not for longer than a few months at least. Thats neither your fault nor is it my fault, rather a jacked up team effort to remain living in chaos, crisis, and disfunction. Ive tried to talk you into therapy, so we can maybe see if there is any way to salvage this relationship, but you dont want to go. Probably because you are afraid they will tell you the same things i tell you. Your lack of accountability and nonexistant self awareness has gotten to the point of me preferring to sleep next to a 2 year old that pees on me everynight than waking up to you by my side. Sounds harsh? Well, about 90% of the stuff you say to me is harsh, uncalled for, belittling, cruel, and you dont seem to care. I understand you dont trust me, i get that. Believe me. Because i know you wont admit it, but i have felt the same distrusting feelings towards you. Because you, my dear, are not perfect either. You have your very own collection of skeletons that you know you have, that I know you have, but you wont ever admit to. It sucks way worse to have to be constantly falsely accused of wrongdoing and shameful behavior when you are working so hard at trying to obtain..well..heres that word again...STABILITY. what would it feel like to wake up not worried about getting evicted?? What about falling asleep without anxiety of who youre talking to/what im doing at work? But instead, to wake up feeling okay about where our life is and know it can only continue to get better and not worse, and to fall asleep next to eachother after a decent day where i felt respected, trusted, and loved, and you felt respected, trusted, and loved? Is that all a fantasy or is it a possibility?? I cannot force you to start trusting me. Thats on you. I cant make you respect me. Thats on you. And i cant make you love me either, no matter how badly i wish i could. That is also on you. I have the ability to trust you, respect you, and love you for who YOU are and who i know YOU can be. But who you have been for the past, gee idk, 1 year almost, is an absolutely different person. I dont know this version of you. I dont like this version of you. And i need to know if you are satisfied with this version of you, because if you are, there is no point in trying to go to relationship therapy because you have no desire to change to make things better. I feel like i have proven that i am capable of changing whatever part about myself that needs to change to keep on improving the quality of life i am able to give our kids. And i will keep soul searching every day and discover new things that i will see do not work and arent going to make things better, and i will appropriately adjust my life and thinking patterns to stay on an incline. Afterall, I am on an uphill climb here, and i have about 700 weights trying to hold me back from reaching the top of the hill. I am constantly pushing through the pain, anxiety, fear, FEAR, and fear, but i know i will make it to very top. Youre probably wondering what these metaphorical weights symbolize. That would be different types of stress (financial, emotional, family, etc), internal negative influences, (which is a big one because i criticize myself, judge myself, and doubt myself. ALOT. You think im mean to you?? You should hear the shit i say to myself on a daily basis.) And, well, external negative influences (people, places, and things). Do these things suck? Hell yeah they do, but as long as i keep being cognizant and aware of them, they will never be able to pull me all the way back to the bottom. All they do is make the uphill climb that much harder yet that much more rewarding. At this point, im not falling backwards any time soon. I will keep persevering until i make it up the hill. "Oh well gee, what if something bad happens?" Throw another weight on my back, say "fuck you, bad occurance" and keep on keepin' on. Do you know whats at the top of the hill? STUH BIL IH TEE. STABILITY. My ultimate goal. So please, I need to know.. are you holding my hand helping me carry the these weights uphill? Or are you one of the weights holding me back from reaching the top? Are you in or are you out? Im not writing this to pursuade you to go to therapy, but to get some insight on whether or not we will climb this hill together, or if i need to muster up the strength to climb it alone. 700 lbs sure would feel alot lighter if you were there beside me to help pull those weights to the top. I bet with eachothers support, we could even get there twice as fast. So, here are the options:
1. Take on my metaphorical hill as a team, reach the peak together, as a husband and wife/mother and father unstoppable force of steadfastness.
2. i climb alone.
No more threats of kicking you out, no more of me saying you need to leave, no more open-ended ultimatums, just option 1 or 2. Either way, i am going to continue my climb towards stability.
Are you coming with me or not?