To the best friend I thought I’d have forever

Subject: To the best friend I thought I’d have forever
From: The girl who once inspired you
Date: 22 Nov 2017

To those about to read this.. Why do we not talk about friend breakups?! I feel as though they are worse than an actual relationship. I don't know about you, but I've never felt this way before.

So many times I tried planning this out, but with all the speed bumps along the way, on both ends, has only further prolonged it. Many mutual friends also suggested I shouldn’t speak out, but I can’t live my life based on the opinions of others. So, here I am..

~You never apologized for hurting me but, I've apologized multiple times for being angry about it..~

Life happens and a series of a unfortunate events transpired between us and I wish that wasn't so. If I could change the outcome of all that became, I would. I would start from the very beginning and alter anything to have changed this faith. I wish I could grasp what occurred, so we wouldn't be the way we are now.

Why did it have to go this route?

Will we ever know? I wish we were adults about this and bypassed all the passive aggressiveness and fought for this friendship. Is it just me that feels this??
I don't know... BUT, I don't hate you.

I'm not sure if you know that.

I hate what transpired, but I don't hate you.

You were like a sister to me. Not many people in my life I could call that. To compare before and now, it is so weird to me. I didn't think I'd be celebrating Fourth of Julys without you..

I do not even know how to react to that.

~I burned my bridges and you used your knife. It's is what it is though, right?~

You finally graduated and I was so eager to be able to see you more and then just like that, it all came crashing down.

It wasn't suppose to be like this.
I feel like everything could and should be fixed. If only we lived in a perfect world.

I was fortunate to have friends who watched me break when it occurred and were still there when I picked myself back up. I realized then, that's what friends do.

I thought that I had that with you.

Regardless, you’re not a bad person and I appreciated my time spent with you. I hope the same goes for you. I’m not perfect but I’m also not who you’ve painted me to be. I blame social media for sure and the noses of those who had nothing to do with it. Everything just happened all too fast and miscommunication played a huge toll for sure. Social media always has a way of negatively skewing things.. Plus the involvement of others who wrongly reiterate the whole “he said, she said buisness.”

Feelings can't be denied though and this doesn't and hasn't felt right to me. I'm done with ignoring them, moving on and being "strong," or the bigger person. I'm human too with really emotions, you know? It fucking sucks, and it hurts.


I've tried time and time again to make my amends, all for you to throw it in my face and stay bullying me via social media. Even your mother, a grown woman, who I valued and loved dearly was spewing hate for all to see in regards of me. My mother still doesn't even know this shit is going on and I've limited the details, because I didn't want to taint her memory of you. The same goes for my brother. We don't ever talk about it and I plan to keep it like that, because I know he cares for you. Meanwhile you and you're mother have built this negative image of me. It's crazy.

Yet, I still miss you.

I miss what we had.

Who you were.

My best friend.

Whom I was ALWAYS loyal to.

I miss having you as the longest streak and on the very top of my Snapchat list. You were the like the only reason I had that app to begin with.. The amount of screenshots I have of you, and us, is ridiculous. They'll always be something I can reflect back on in my later years.

I hope that's not weird.

I miss watching anime, Disney and the Winnie the Pooh with you. I miss being able to talk to you about everything, and watching you get drunk off a mikes hard, or you know, flat out eating a jar of olives together like nobody's buisness.

I miss our car rides, our beach excursions, and movie nights. Spending hours laughing over god knows what, usually the stupidest of shit, but its what made us. We just connected so well. You had a way of bringing out my inner child and I appreciated that about you. I valued you in my life, and my children's. You were special to us and now it's gone, as if it never happened.

But it did.

And eventually my oldest sons memory of you will fade away and it doesn't sit right with me. Yet, the other two won't even have that. I never saw that coming. You were the godmother and now I'm scared to entrust anyone else with that.

You really fucked me up.

Don't get me wrong, I use to love you for being blunt, its a great quality, but this time you took it too far and didn't meet me half way. I wanted you too see me, to see my situation for what it is from eyes, and to feel what I did when it all transpired. You didn't have to agree, but you also didn't need to make me feel the way you did. You weren’t the only one who felt some sort of way, but you were the only one to use that opinion to hurt me.

I've dedicated my whole life to being a mother because that's what I chose and wanted. It's not always easy, but I will always rise on top. I made that choice the day I decided to have my first son.

Yet, you really hurt me with that sharp tongue of yours. I never thought you'd use your words in such a way. It's like you gave me no credit for all the hard work I put into my life. Im not privileged like you, you know? I struggle at times, but I always make ends meet. You’ve seen it. So, for you to hold that against me, spoke volumes. How could I not become insecure and think this is how my best friend has always viewed me though?

You just didn't pull these thoughts out of nowhere and then it reminded of the time you attacked me about my tree tattoo.. Which you did apologize for afterwards. Thank you for that. But, in that moment you made me feel so useless, unappreciated, and I came crawling back to wolfs den anyhow; just for this to all occur the way it did.

I supported you when everyone left you, even when I told you how I felt about your situation and how I didn't approve. I expressed my side, but in the end, it was your choice. I didn’t pressure you.

I was still there for you and there to catch you.

Why couldn't you of done that for me?

You don't have to compromise convictions in order to be compassionate, you know?

We need to learn on our own and I just thought you'd want the same for me. You know how I am, my morals and everything. I knew all the sacrifices I was going to have to make. Why couldn't you of trusted me to make my own choices without feeling alienated by you?

This is my life remember?

I've always appreciated your input, but you crushed me this time and you were WRONG. I didn't "burn my life to the ground." Instead this fire was the very thing I built a foundation on. I don't know man.. Life is about handling the cards we've been dealt, as if they were the ones we've wanted. Which is exactly what I did and will always do.

I just wish you were there to see it.

I'm genuinely happy and thriving,
but it's weird you're not here with me.

When I needed you most, you used your words as a weapon and then left. It has nothing to do with your opinion.. It was how you said I. I wish you saw that.

You were my best friend and the FIRST person I told about my pregnancy.. It blew my mind how easily you told me I was a shitty person for having more children. How was that fair? You know damn well I am not a bad parent, or person, and if I truly was, why would you have waited all these years to say something?

Why did you resent me and my choices the way that you did?

What did I do to deserve those texts?

I needed you and you broke me.

You knew how hard I was working towards enlisting and I can't help but think maybe it wasn't ever meant for me. I tried expressing that to you and you didn't care. I wish you saw it in the same light as me, because my little lochness saved me.

I am happily married. If I want more children, then so be it. Children are suppose to bring happiness and I’m ashamed that I allowed you to take some of that glow away. I am glad I nipped in ge bud sooner than later and was able to appreciate my pregnancy for all that it was; a blessing.

The way it was so easy for you to turn your back on me and paint me as this awful human, was just.. I don't even know.. Not what I expected from you, I guess.

Then you immediately befriend the one person you tried so hard for me to get out of my life, and hated? Every time I tried to make amends with this girl, you opposed, but then you go and turn it on me?

How do you think that made me view you?

It was like I never even knew you and that you were furthering trying to punish me.

This wasn't the girl I knew.

But, thanks.
You officially closed that door for me...

Why are you bonding with people over apathy. Is that hatred for me among you two so strong? What happened..

Is that how you really feel??

Most of your new friends you've bonded over hating me.. or you know, making them grow hatred for me. You're the one who took my friends and skewed people's perspective of me. You had random people blocking me or unfriending me based on your painting of me. If I inspired you all these years, what really changed? Why do you feel the need to run my name in the dirt and make me look like an awful person? You've altered so many people's views, yet they only see your side..

What about my truth?

This was our first fight after all MANY years of friendship. Was it really that bad? Did our friendship have to end like this? Will we ever know? Like damn.

Why didn't we fight for us and act like the adults?

Why was it so fucking hard to communicate?

I expected more from us!

I put down that payment I'll never see again for something I thought I'd share with you forever.. We were gonna have matching tattoos, but all of sudden you were freaking out about them. Part of me wishes we still got them when we were suppose to. I wouldn't of regretted it, because at one point it meant a lot to me. Regardless, it didn't happen. Instead I still have my knotted ring. You were so worried that tattoo would cause bad luck and be the demise of our friendship just before the fight broke out. Is that ironic?

I felt as though that is what you wanted. Our friendship to end.

It's like you jinxed us..

I'm not here to point fingers or anything. I'm just expressing my side of the story, my truth and just to put my thoughts out there for myself. Maybe you'll see this, maybe not. But you're not a horrible person and I'm not going around saying you are, as well as "sabotaging" your life.

I haven't.

So, please stop being so damn paranoid. Be happy. Cling to the good memories and not the bad, or delusions. Im not trying to be you.. You more than anyone should know that. I am and always will be me. We were always alike. Isn't that what made us so close?

So, why the craze all of a sudden?

Why do you keep on painting this picture of me?

Everything you do and post, I feel like you're gaslighting me.

It's not okay. Please stop.

You're just furthering breaking my heart.

I’m sorry for hurting you too, I really am, but I will NOT apologize for being my genuine self and liking all that I do.

None of my interests have changed.
I still enjoy/like all the things that I do and always have.

It has nothing to do with you and if you don’t know that or choose to deny it, then maybe we weren’t as close as I believed us to believe.

Which is so disheartening.

If anything, you always found a way to minimize my passions or interests or claim OG. I could never compare to your “hipster” ways..

I can finally listen to and like what I want now.

I love you endlessly, but as time prolongs I realized I spent a lot of our friendship walking on eggshells and afraid of your judgment. The way you always degraded others or held things against them when you’ve helped them, always worried me in the back of my mind.

Even the day I got my license I was soooo excited to tell you and all you repsonded with was with, “I thought you were gonna fail. Congrats.” You know, that moment has lingered with me ever since.

Were you ever really happy for me or wanting to see me succeed?

You say I always inspired you. Yet, you seemed to try and pollute my shine. Am I wrong?

Our life's are on two different playing fields and non-comparable now. They always have been, but it made us mesh well and there was nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't change mine for the world and you have to know that. Kids will always be my life, because that is my choice and calling. I don't expect you to understand, but I at least wished you tried.

It sucks when you don't know what someone's intention is when they help you. I'm not saying I didn't appreciate everything you've done, because I did, and I do, but it goes both ways. Anything I did for you, (which we reciprocate differently, don't forget) I still wouldn't ever hold against you..

Yet, you did for me? Why? You should do things out of love for others, and because you want to, not to just hold it over their heads later on. That's not love or genuine. I just never thought I'd get that resentment from you.

But you do it to everyone and this is why I don’t ask for help from others.

When I posted that video, I did it so you could see me. The real me. To see my mannerisms and emotions through the screen vs misconstructing a paragraph. You can’t deny facial expressions like a written rant is skewed. It wasn’t meant to be put in a negative light and I’ve stated many times within it that you aren’t a bad person but that I was done with you poking at me and bullying me. That is why I posted it. To shed my side of the spectrum and my hurt. Please know it wasn’t used to hurt you. I’m sorry if I did, that wasn’t my intention. Maybe it wasn’t the best method but during that moment it felt right and wasn’t meant to be negative.

I have so much to say and I'll save it for a another day because I'm stumbling off track but, you're not a bad person and I'm not a saint by any means. I've done my fair share of unpleasant things. Just know, I'm not mad at you anymore. I don't have bad things to say. It's beneath both of us really. There shouldn't be any bad blood. It's sad to think after all our years, this is what we amounted to.. I still can't help wonder what happened and if it was so easy for you to let me go. It seems like a lost cause to have any hope of getting your side of the story and I can accept that.

I can't devalue our memories and pretend they didn't occur though, because they did and they were something special. You were a big part of my life and nothing could erase that.

When I told you never to talk to me again. I didn't mean it. It was heat of the moment. Your words and my hormones, got the best of me. When I said don't talk to me again, it was for me to walk away from the conversation and calm down, as well as not say anything I'd regret. But then you poked me again and I lost it.

Sure, I may have seemed a little crazy when I called you screaming. I couldn't even muster out what was needed to be said because I was so taken back by your words. The pregnancy definitely added to it. Not to mention the fact that my best friend of half a decade just told me I was a piece of shit..

From there; I posted that status about my concert tickets, which I had up for 5 minutes before I realized I wasn't thinking clear. From there, I deactivated my Facebook account and things escalated from by standers. You made all your "baby mama drama" posts and I shared memes. I had "squad" over that day it happened and I didn't fabricate anything. They ALL saw the messages and honestly, we both are at fault for how things went down. I said some things as well, but you have to admit, mine were always vague and never as cruel.

You cannot deny that.

I still shouldn't of fueled the fire, but I did, and I can't change it, but I can admit to it. I'm at fault here too. I’ll own my end always. Better to own your shortcomings vs being a hyprocrite. With all this, you have reminded me who I've always been and how much I hate conflicts and need closure. Fighting is not me. Engaging in pettiness or talking about others isn't me. It never has been and I'm not going to fuel that part of me anymore. There's a battle of two wolfs within us all and I choose peace.

This is why I reached out to you last year when I did and I thought things were kosher and time was on our side. What happened though? I thought we were okay and then you were posting about me on my birthday?? I remember something you posted made me so mad that I threw my phone across the room and I couldn't understand how you could be so cruel while I was so upset. I reached out to you in hopes to fix it and then you did that. What the fuck happened??? I still don't understand and maybe I won't ever. It's a battle of mixed emotions really. At times I wish I could delete you from my life, but if I did I would be deleting one of the most important parts.

Never in a million years I would’ve expected this, but it happened. Hopefully for a reason. This time away from you has been the hardest, but most rewarding time of my life. I missed you deeply, but I made peace in many aspects of my life.

I saved up to take the house under my belt, bought a car and brought another beautiful boy in this world while maintaining a decent grade in school. My relationships is thriving and I’ve thrown myself back into all my passions. I’ve traveled, and made amends with people I never thought I’d would and done my best to make peace with my wrongdoings and those of others. I’ve fell in love with life all over again and made many new friends, some whom I have grown very close to.

I like to think I would’ve succeeded this being friends with you, but I don’t think that’s the case and why things ended the way they did. We both are entitled to our feelings and I’m sorry for hurting yours. We should’ve known at some point our fire spirits would clash. I just hoped it would’ve been something brighter than this.

Maybe one day our paths will meet again and be better. If not, I wish you the best on your journey.

Thank you for the time you spent with me. Farewell my best friend.