To the Best Friend I Once Had

Subject: To the Best Friend I Once Had
Date: 11 Feb 2019

I have known pain, not all but different kinds of it. Like colors, it has its own spectrum. It can range from tolerable to fatal, one-time to recurring, temporary to lifetime. Out of all sorts of pain I have known and felt, losing a good friend is probably one of the most disastrous and enduring. I never thought I would have to deal with that kind of pain again.

Ending friendship is in itself heart-soring. The feeling gets worse when you realize that you could have done so much better to save it. My friend, we could have done so much better. I could have done so much better. I could have been so much better but my nature has made me so weak. I am not as strong as you think I am. I can no longer endure.

For a long time, I thought I was protecting us—I buried words so that they will not hurt you; I masked emotions so that that they will not consume you; I veiled endless thoughts so that they will not burden you. For a long time, I thought it was for the best. For a long time, I was wrong. Everything is now drowning me, reminding me that I do not know how to swim and even if I could, my body is too frail to fight against the rapids. I can no longer struggle.

With every word, emotion, and thought I suppressed, my love grew stronger. My hatred did so as well. I guess this is what happens when people are not so honest—they destroy themselves and everything they treasure without even knowing it. Honesty is not always nice and so it is only for the strong. We were both too weak for honesty, my friend. I could not show it and you could not take it. We kept running away and now it is chasing us. My feet are exhausted. I cannot run with you any longer.

We have reached the dead-end. Your optimism is pushing you to jump over the wall. My pessimism, on the other hand, is pulling me back to the ground. I could jump with you, I would love to, but we both know that beyond the wall is an unending maze of chaos. We will only be running in circles. My own experience of us taught me that. After all, pessimism was once optimism that experienced reality. I cannot keep up with you anymore.

I was once told never to make promises when I am happy because I might end up breaking them. I forgot about the warning. We were too happy that I made a promise to keep you in my life. My friend, the warning was true. I am now breaking my promise. I cannot keep you like I said I would.

And so, my friend, I am going to be most honest with you for the first and last time. Let me tell you things I have not told you before so that at the end, we will be nothing but free.

First of all, thank you for trying to be there for me; for trying to understand my incomprehensibility; for trying to pull me out of my irrational fears; for trying to be honest with everything; and, for trying to keep us together. Please know that I am grateful. And, I am sorry for not appreciating your effort to be there for me; for forcing you to understand my incomprehensibility; for dragging you down with my irrational fears; for not believing you when you tell me things; and, for breaking us apart. I deeply apologize. But, I also wish that you had actually been there for me; that you truly understood me; that you had not given me reasons to fear; that you had been completely honest; and, we did not end up this way. I could only wish.

So much had happened. We have caused each other damage. Whether it is repairable or not, only time could tell. I have no one else to blame but myself, though. I never complained when you hurt me and never apologized when I caused you pain. I never asked for you to stay when I needed you and never showed you how much I truly cared. My ego ruled over me. I got anxious with hiding my weaknesses that I failed to recognize you had yours, too.

We could spill to each other all the secrets we have yet we could never be totally honest when we have to. We always have each other’s back yet we could never face each other when we have to. We are a good team yet we could never be good friends when we have to. Close but distant, together but apart. Everything could crumble down and I will be alright as long as I had you but now, my friend, your presence gives me loneliness. It is not hard to see that my presence as well is no longer as pleasant as it used to be.

Let us release each other from all the unnecessary trouble and tension. It is not easy but it is necessary. Perhaps, when we get the chance to be friends again at a time when both of us are stronger and wiser, things would no longer be as hard as they are now. Perhaps, by then, we would be able to save each other from everything that could hurt us. But right now, let us save each other from us—you from me and me from you. There are times when we are left with no other choice and my friend, this is one of those times.

All stories end but they do not always necessarily end happily. They end the way they should end. This is ours.

Goodbye, my friend.