You should be a little over a year old now. Last month, we should have celebrated a birthday. There should have been a cake and balloons. It should have been a family event.
Instead, I celebrated what could have been in silence. I didnt mention you to your dad. I don't know if he thinks about you year round, but come October 15th and you'll be all thats on either of our minds.
In my heart, I know you were a boy. I don't know why, it just feels right. When I think of you I will always consider you my little boy. You have a little sister now. We found out about her about the same time you should have been born. She is amazing, and beautiful, and I wouldnt trade her for anything, but sometimes I wonder what could have been if you had made your way into this world.
I know she wouldn't exist. But, I also know that I wouldn't know the pain of losing a child. Sometimes, I just dont get it.
People tell me I shouldnt be upset still, I should be over it because you never really existed. They tell me that with as perfect as the baby I have is, the one I lost shouldn't hurt so bad. I still hurt just as bad for you though. I long to know what could have, and should have been. I miss you, and I love you.
I ask of you now, please keep an eye on your sister. I can't wait for the day to come when I get to tell her about her guardian angel brother.
Always remember, mommy loves you!
