I know this must be hard on you not seeing your son and all but do you ever lay awake at night thinking about what you did? Do you even remember it or is it fragmented memories because of your intoxicated state. Do you ever sit back and think about what your son had to witness? Do you know that when he plays with mommy and daddy toys, he portray's the daddy one as an angry monster? Do you know he saw you hit his mother that night- even though she didn't put it in her statement or press charges, he still saw it. Do you know when he hears a clicking noise, anything loud or a knock on the door he runs and hides and screams "No, Daddy, No." He wakes up in the middle of the night crying saying "daddy pow pow." Did you know that not one person in his life right now has said anything negative about you to him? He knows how daddy acted that night was wrong and he knows daddy is getting help. Do you know since December 2nd he hasn't witnessed a single argument or fight? He is so smart, kind and loving. When you see him again I hope it's something positive. I hope you cherish him, that you hug him so tight that the pieces you broke mend back together. I hope he gets some sort of closure. I hope you are able to show him how to treat and love a woman some day. Let him know how you treated his mother is unacceptable and you sincerely apologize for hurting them both.
I understand that you probably can't comprehend the level of trauma you caused, and at this point it's pretty clear how you feel about your "baby mama." But I wish you could have watched the light dim in her eyes as the police questioned her. I wish you could have felt her hands trembling or witnessed her knees buckling as she tried to find the strength to hold your son and comfort him through it all. The days, weeks no- months of blank stares as she tries to forget that night. The rainstorm of tears falling down her face as CPS tells her she doesn't know how to protect her son from his own father. I wish you could have felt the punch in the gut she felt when they told her, your son would have to be raised by her Mother if she was found unfit. The agony for days getting ready for the CPS visit where your son and his cousin were questioned and evaluated. The house inspected and the 2 hr sit down we had to go through because of your actions. Did you know that the little girl that considered you her uncle is now scared of you? I know you could care less about how she feels but I wanted you to know how bad you hurt her. She heard everything that night. She was dry heaving and shaking after the gun shots went off. For 3 months I couldn't even get her to sleep in her own room. She asked me questions I couldn't even begin to answer. One really stuck with me though, "Why would he want to hurt his own family ? " I know you can't make what you did right, but I pray you have changed. Hope you took that time to work on yourself and get sober. Maybe one day you will become the kind of man and father your son truly deserves.
