There is something even I don't understand about self harm. People tell me it's stupid, and I know. They tell me it's wrong and I agree with them. It's something you shouldn't do. Some look at both vertical and horizontal lines on my wrists and call me attention whore. Here's the thing I don't need attention. I need help. Or something to occupy my mind just so I wouldn't have to deal with the heavy free fall that is my heart.
My heart is a phenomenon. It feels like an event. A stargazing museum with no stars and no light to stare at. I feel like falling I'm on the edge of a cliff even though I am seated comfortably here in my room.
There are times that I punch myself. Hard. Just to distract myself from the horrid thing that is my own mind. I like to think that with every degrading and hurtful word I receive should at least be manifested in my physical form. Aiming for that blue purple tint on my skin.
I started cutting myself too. I don't know. It's just that sometimes it hurts so much inside that yiu just want it to hurt somewher else. Anywhere but inside. There is that thrill and satisfaction which is fucked up in so many ways to cutting yourself. It's wrong. And I have to get it sorted out but. I actually don't know where I'm going with this. But now I feel like crying. So see you next time? I'll be in touch.
