You don’t know me, or even know of me. But I know of you, and I know quite a bit about you. When I say I know a lot about you what I mean is this- I’ve been in your home, eaten your food, rode in your vehicles, met your children, and gotten very close to your husband. Yeah, that’s quite an opening statement, I can only speculate what is going through your head right now but I can imagine that it is some combination of pain, anger and furry, possibly full on outrage.
Since it’s clear I know who you are, I’m guessing you want to who I am? Well, I’m the reason your husband started taking so many selfies. I’m the reason he comes home extra sweaty after being at the “gym” late at night. The reason he hasn’t minded that it’s been months since you have had sex with him. And I’m the reason there are long blonde hairs on your couch and on your pillows.
Now, hold on a second, before you head out on a witch hunt, don’t persecute me just yet. I never had a choice when it came to liking him, the moment my eyes laid sight on him at work I was drawn to him. He very quickly became the drug I couldn’t possibly get enough of, I was entranced by his smile, addicted to him to walking by and tickling me or grabbing my butt, and feigning to sneaking off to kiss him. But I don’t have to explain that to you, I’m sure once upon a time you felt that way about him too and the reasons you initially fell in love with him are the reasons I fell in love with him as well.
From the beginning it was always made very clear to me that I will never have him, not fully anyway. But it wasn’t because of you. It was because of your children. While I always impressed with what an amazing father he is and it was definitely characteristic that attracted me to him even more, I don’t agree with his views on this. I don’t know if you are aware of this but his dedication to those two are the only thing that keeps him in your marriage. He thinks he is doing what’s best for them by keeping their parents together even though he has expressed his several year long misery in your relationship to me hundreds of times (Unfortunately, as a mother and having been in his position before, I now know that staying married for children is not what’s best for them. I finally realized that I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking that’s how a woman was to be treated in a relationship, nor what I wanted my son to think that was acceptable for a man to act in a relationship.). He has confided in me that he doesn’t even love you anymore and hasn’t for years, but don’t worry, even though I love him and I’d bend over backwards for him, he doesn’t love me either. He has always tried to keep his distance and separate his emotions through out our dating, and every time I could feel him getting close, I’d go through agonizing days of him withdrawing from me to sever that connection from truly growing because he said he couldn’t let it happen, because staying married to you for the kids was his priority. To be honest I thought maybe I would be enough for him, enough to make him feel what a real relationship was again and want to leave you, but now it’s apparent that he won’t, and that’s only fair because I never should have even dared love him in the hopes that he will.
If your marriage really is as bad as he says it is, then gauging how you must feel right now is tricky. Especially since, let’s face it, all three of us know you’re no saint yourself. We all know you have cheated too, but only you know how many times or for how long. The answers to those when it comes to him, are simple. Just me. For 14 years he stood by you, though you have been awful to him the last three. I am the only person he has cheated with, and how long? Five months. But should he not be being honest with me and you’re actually a picture perfect wife and not the selfish wench he has painted you to be, or hell, maybe his mental issues have driven you so far away that you are just getting by with comfortably miserable yourself, either way I’m sure this all must sting some. It hurts for me too, and it has from the start. As insensitive as it may sound at least you haven’t known for months that the man you care deeply for will never be yours. Ignorance really is bliss. To know that at night he goes home to another woman and wonder but at the same time dread the thought that they could potentially have sex. To sit through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine’s wishing I could be making memories with him but instead he is with you. To have to have sex in cars and then when we actually got to use a bed it was at a home he has with you. To have to start referring to you as “Her” or “She” because I couldn’t stand hearing the word “wife” when you were mentioned in conversation. To always be on the waiting end, not knowing what to expect and not being in a position to demand anything more than the scraps left off your table. To know that you have the capability to take him away from me any time you want to, simply because you decided you wanted to go look at Christmas lights when we already had plans, but because he was obligated to keeping me a secret, I had to be canceled on. Trust me, all of that hurts, more than you can probably understand.
But I recently came to accept that I cannot win. Even though a divorce really is better for your children than growing up in a home with miserable parents that don’t support each other, work as a team or show affection, he won’t leave. So what can I do? Wave my white flag, I admit defeat. I lose the man I love, and the only thing that makes it a smidge tolerable is knowing that no, I didn’t win him over, but you didn’t win either. Even if you stay together, he still doesn’t love you. Not to mention even with time, you will never trust him again. Something as simple as him running to the grocery store to grab milk, you will wonder if he is texting another woman while he is gone or stopping by her work to sneak her quick kisses. That kind of doubt will never go away, and the trust will be gone forever. I’ve fought hard to try to win him, my emotions are shot, and I’m tired of the heartache so for now I lay down my arms and surrender because the truth is, I have absolutely no fight left in me. You on the other hand, prepare for war, because no matter if you stay together or divorce your marriage/life is going to be an infinite battle.
