For so long we were good together, even though we were apart. Our conversations lasted hours, our days felt strange without talking to each other and our thoughts, values and morals were shared. It was like we were the same person. It clicked, and by clicked I mean the sort of connection that doesn’t come along often, if ever. I thought it was real and it scared me. It scared me to the point where I couldn’t meet you.
I kept you at a distance for ages but you were never far from my heart and my mind. I kept you there because I needed to know that it was as real for you as it was for me and I guess now I let you closer than ever, I was never going to get close to you. I needed to know that your feelings were deep enough not to meet me and see what so many see before getting to know my heart, an over weight, fun, care free woman whose insecurities are so well hidden that nobody would know the hurt and sadness that runs deep; the pain from never feeling good enough; the fear of rejection so big that she only lets special people in, people who she feels special to.
Before we met, I loved the way you used to call me your girl or your princess or the way you’d call me on your way home from work. You were always keeping me company, even if it was through a phone screen. Your voice quickly become my favourite thing to hear and your name became my favourite name and your words become my favourite comfort and reassurance. I was yours and you were mine. First thing in the morning or last thing at night, I knew I was wanted and felt the most loved I have ever felt by anyone. It felt unconditional, it felt special and it felt real. Strange, intense and scary... but always real.
I’m always going to love more. It’s me and the reason why I’m so self conscious and wary of relationships. I will always end up with the deeper amount of feelings, but that’s ok. I will always fall further and the pain will always be deeper but I know that the love I have to give is the greatest kind of love. The kind of love that never makes someone feel the hurt that you’ve made me feel. The rarest kind of love that you’d be lucky to have. The sort of love that you said you had for me. The sort of love you said you’d always wanted.
I know that you don’t think you are capable of that sort of love but you are. Even if it was just words, it’s in you. I felt it. I felt the realisation in you that you could love someone, that there was nothing wrong with you and you finally had what others had. I know that because I felt it too. I wish I could be angry at you and say that it was all lies and you never meant it, but I can’t. Even if it was all lies and just imagination, it brings me a bigger sense of comfort to believe it was true and no matter how much pain I feel now, I will always, always see the good in you and I will never forget how happy you made me for so long. I’ll always miss the ‘oi’s’ when I didn’t answer quick enough, the ‘good morning beautiful’ or the ‘goodnight babe’. The times that the light on my phone from your message woke me before the morning sun or the times I’d stay awake at night to hear you wish me sweet dreams. The crazy conversations we had and the total excitement we had for each other will never get old. The time we had for each other, all day every day, makes it almost ironic that now our conversations become less frequent, our words have less meaning and the auto-pilot canned responses seem normal.
I guess it’s easy to fall in love through words. I took the actions you wanted so much away from you. I wouldn’t meet you until I was ready, I kept you at arms distance and I played down and questioned your feelings for me because I was scared there would come a time you wouldn’t feel them anymore. I needed you to tell me time and time again how you felt and I wanted to believe them as much as you seemed to mean them. I loved you being vulnerable. It helped me be vulnerable and I thought through that, our connection was deeper and more serious than ever before. We saw each others hearts and deepest feelings and secrets. We trusted each other to keep them safe, knowing there would be a time when we could finally touch each other and hug each other.
I was 20 minutes late to meet you when I finally agreed. Not through rudeness but through fear. I was stuck on the toilet, as you will understand! My belly’s reaction to my minds questions; Did I look ok? Where would this lead? Will we kiss? What if it’s awkward?
Finally, after a year, our time came. The first time our eyes found each other; the first time our hands touched; the first time we could make this as real as it could ever be; the first time you could take food off my plate without asking. Your head wasn’t as big as I thought it was and your eyes were more blue that I’d ever imagined. I remember my eyes watered and you brushed a tear off my face. You held my hands in yours because you felt their coldness. Someone passed us outside the Great Western and looked at us and smiled. When that happened, I remember thinking, finally. I’m wasn’t the ‘ungettable girl’ anymore. I could now prove to you how much you meant to me; other people would now be able to see that we weren’t just strangers at the end of a phone.You told me I was cute for booking the table for us. I've booked tables for us since, but we've never got around to sitting at them. Something always came up.
I’ve only ever wanted to have fun with you. Forget about the thoughts that plagued my mind, the thoughts that drained me at night. For some reason, they seemed nothing when I had you in my life. Now, I may have been too much for you to handle in one go, but I only told you what you told me.What you made me comfortable feeling.
I didn't want you to give me the world, I wanted to see what, if anything, we could build together. Prove that our feelings for each other didn’t end at the keyboard or stop after we hung up after our night time phone calls. That may have been too much for you, but I’m proud that I gave you my everything, instead of the little that everyone before you and probably after you have or will ever get. I’m proud that I stuck to my word and told you that we’d meet some day. I’m proud that my feelings for you are as real today as they ever were. But I’m mostly proud that I’ve learned how deep and how unconditional my love for someone can be; how forgiving my heart is and how genuine my intentions are. I’m happy that you were the one to experience it first.
We may only have had a short time together in the end, but there is nothing I regret. I only wish we had had more time to explore our feelings, more times to laugh and more time to love.
I know you resent me for not meeting you sooner. Maybe that’s the reason you’ve suddenly gone. Or is it that I was more overweight than you thought I’d be? Was it that I became too real for you? Is it because I was finally so excited and so vulnerable enough to meet you that I was too available now? I’m left asking these questions because you haven’t been able to tell me. You won’t give me the reasons why you suddenly went cold or the reasons behind encouraging me to meet you to then reject me. Could you not take the weight of my love? Am I just not enough?
I only had half of you, but you had all of me. You had my sillyness, my quirks, my ginger hair; my ginger watery eyes; my over expressive arms and my scrunched up nose.
You had my every single flaw; every single thought; every single insecurity that was yours to keep. You had my all, but you chose not to keep it.
I may be hurting right now, but you’ve taught me that I deserve the kind of love you thought you had for me. Whether that’s from you or from someone else, that feeling was the safest feeling I’ve ever experienced and I’m excited to have it again. You taught me that it’s ok to be vulnerable and that real connections do exist. There is someone out there that I can fall asleep on the phone too, there is someone who fits my puzzle and there is someone who will call me his girl and mean it. I wanted you to be that someone. You were once.
Someone amazing is waiting to meet someone just like you. They’ll capture your heart like I once did, only this time they’ll be able to keep it. Hold theirs as safely as you promised to hold mind; you don’t experience real love every day and those doubts you bury can ruin any chance you have of true happiness. Accept their flaws, take on their issues, encourage their quirks and protect them from anything that hurts them. Choose someone that you can communicate your feelings and problems with and don’t run from conflict. Confront it head-on and those little niggles you always had in the past should go away. That’s when true love blossoms. That’s the love that you, her and I both deserve.
I don’t know if we will ever meet again but you promised me once that we were meant to be; that if there was such a thing as a soul mate then I was it. We’d find each other again you’d said. In return, I promised you that I would and could never hate you, whatever happens.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write and the saddest goodbye I’ll ever say. It’s strange, but no tears fell this time, maybe they’ve all been used up. Maybe this is the closure you failed to give me? We could have been nothing together, but we could have also been amazing. We’ll never know but now we’ll only remember each other as the almost-lovers we never had. Instead, I'll hold a fondness for you in the gap where your love left. I can't hold anger in my heart, especially for the one that gave me so much.
Maybe we were the perfect strangers. Maybe we were only ever designed to be strangers that felt each other's souls. Maybe I made it that easy to walk in and out of my life.
Take care of yourself my not-so-big-headed almost lover and let your dreams soar and your mind rest. You will be the man you wanted to be. You’re worth so much more than you know.
