To my abusive ex,
Even as I set down to write this, I can’t help but think that it is pointless. I know you think that you did nothing wrong. I know that you think my actions excuse your behavior. I know you think that you were a good boyfriend. I know that you think that I’m just some crazy slut crying out for attention. I know that you think that I ruined the best thing I ever had.
I know you think these things because there is a small voice inside me that thinks these things too. It is a voice you planted inside my head. One that I will never fully be able to get rid of. It reminds me of all the nice things you did. How you used to brush my hair behind my ear and hold me when I cried. It tells me what you told me time and time again. That nobody can love me like you did.
Then there is a different voice, a louder one. This is the voice I had to rebuild for myself. This is the real me. It reminds me of all that you did to me. It reminds me that I am not crazy. It reminds me that many people, too many people have been in my shoes. It reminds me that your actions were classic examples of dating violence and emotional abuse. It reminds me that someone who loves you won’t belittle, accuse you of things or call you a c**t. It reminds me that someone who loves you never leaves bruises, and never would strangle you. It reminds me that what we had wasn't love.
This isn’t to say you are an evil person and that you will never change. I hope for your sake and the people in your futures sake, that you get the help you need and change. While I am not ready to forgive you, I don't want you to hurt anyone else the way you hurt me.
You will never know the effect you had on my life, but I am starting to realize that is okay. I am safe now and I will be stronger because of it. I don't forgive you, how could I when I barely forgive myself for abandoning myself in my time of need. I thought I was strong before I met you; I thought my life was turning around. You crushed who I was. Maybe there were parts of me that needed that, but you took all of me away, even the good parts.
It would be so easy to close up and never let someone in the way I let you in. You demolished the part of me who trusted people. Before you I saw nothing but the good in everyone. Today I struggle to even open up to new people the slightest bit. I subconsciously assume all men are going to hurt me. It would be so easy to stay closed off. I know that and sometimes I long for that. But if there is anything I learned from this, learned from you, is that I will never let myself be weak again. Closing off to the world, not trusting people, those things are weak. Loving like I’ve never been hurt. That is strength. That is what I need and want to do.
I know you will never read this. I know that even if you do, you wouldn't think it was about you. You think you did nothing wrong. I know this because there is a small part of me that thinks that too.
Sincerely,
Finding my strength
