My sweet handsome man,
There are many things you need to know, and things that I know you are thinking about. You live your life in a constant state of denial. You are the most prideful and stubborn man I've ever met, but one thing that we both know is that you've never been able to hide what's going on in your mind and your heart from me. You have always tried, but eventually you do finally spill your guts and tell me that I was right all along and that you were trying to hide. Just like the time we had a huge fight over something very stupid and hurtful I did to you. While yes we got back together within a few weeks, you closed yourself off emotionally to me for months and months...eventually though, you took me to lunch on a rainy day, you turned to me and took my face in your hands and with a huge sigh...you said to me "I DO love you, and I DO want to be with you. I'm just having a hard time trusting that you won't hurt me again." And then after you told me how you just didn't know what it was, but there was something about us that we just couldn't be apart no matter what, you got out and came around and pulled me out into the rain so you could hold me closer than across the console, and you kissed me so tenderly.
There have been so many other times as well, things that you have done against me and claimed it was your own decision, only to admit to me later that it was all her, that she either forced you or else went behind your back.
All that being said, I know that is right back where we are yet again. The only difference is that this time you did the hurtful things. We were together, then we cuddled, kissed, you said how much you loved me...and 3 hours later things had completely changed. I know how frightened you had been that week, ever since the knife incident with child #1. I know you had spent so much time fretting over if he was going to harm child #3. I do know that is why you went back. I know the guilt trip that was laid upon you, that played upon your worst fears. And while you did hurt me, I understood and I forgave you, because that's what love does. What love does not do is keep a record of past wrongs. It doesn't demand that you make it up. It doesn't throw the past up in your face daily. It doesn't mean that just because you messed up that from here on you will be treated like a prisoner, a child in your own home.
And here is what I know for sure. I see the look in your eyes. I see the look on your face. I know the kind of misery you are enduring. I was right when I said it wouldn't even be six months and things would be worse than ever. I know you regret the decision you made, even if it was for the safety of your child. I know that you have to go home every day knowing that the same old shit will start as soon as you walk through the door. I know that you realize what you gave up. You told me time and time again, you married too young, that you never should have married her because she was the same fake nasty person even back then. You told me that you never felt real love from her, that you never feel any passion with her...that once we got together that you've never felt anything like this in your life. I know that you have to sit there day in and day out, wishing you had been strong enough to just stay gone. I know you think about the life we would be living right now, instead of us ending up how we'd been for the past three and a half years. I know that you now have to sit there, while you are listening to a constant barrage of questions and demands about our relationship...and in your mind you know how badly you screwed up. That you gave up on the only real love you've ever had in your life, on someone who loved you like no one ever has. (your words)
While I may be completely unhappy about our current situation and no matter what happens, I will never be over you...at least I can take a little comfort in knowing how often you think of me, of how much better off you were, how well you were treated. Hell lets be real...you were downright pampered by me. Who knows, maybe it's because I gave you TOO much of myself. Maybe if I had been a nasty bitch and treated you like shit, like you were so accustomed to...you wouldn't have been so afraid of the unknown.
So, as it is...as long as you hold on to your stubborn pride, she will have to deal with the fact that I am the reason for your moodiness, because you are realizing just how much you traded off, for nothing but a bunch of drama and BS. Because she wants so desperately to hang on to you not out of love, but out of selfishness, and not being able to do anything on her own...she gets to spend the rest of (well, however long it will be...I certainly won't count on forever, that's for sure)...she will always have me on her mind as much as you, knowing that no matter what...you aren't really happy with her. Knowing that everything that you say to her about me is a lie. Knowing that when she is with you, that you are thinking about me, how I can make you feel what no one else can...that when we are together it is completely wild and uninhibited, because when two love each other that much...there are no limits. NONE. She will have to spend every time you travel wondering where WE went, where we stayed, what crazy wild things we did on the road. She will harass you the whole time just as any other trips that you never enjoyed because of fighting the whole time, where as you will be reminiscing about what a peaceful and loving time we had...how we couldn't keep apart from one another the whole time.
So yes my dear, I know. You've never been able to hide it from me. Your eyes, they speak a thousand words. All of the emotions are there. The love, the anger, the hurt, the regret. Most of all the regret. It's there plain as day. So, you go on and live in your little world of denial and regrets. And every time you are being yelled at, treated like crap, spied upon...you think about what you gave up. You know...if you had just been honest with me about the real reason you were suddenly so quick to go back...we could've worked something out. We could've figured it out together. But instead you let your foolish pride get in the way. You just can't stand for anyone to see you as weak or afraid, or unhappy. But my dearest...lest you forget, I know you almost as well as you know yourself. We have always had that connection. I feel you even when we are miles apart.
All of the bad and the hurt aside, just know that I'm not like you. I don't hold back what I feel and I don't deny how I feel. That is why you know I mean every word when I say that you really do have my whole heart. There will never be another that I will love the way I love you. And know that when the time is right, when she finally moves out...I will be here.
I love you, until the day after eternity.
