We have so many memories, that I don't know where to start. We were so young when we first met that no one thought we'd last. You were my first everything, not just love. You were the first boy to kiss me, make me cry, comfort me when my family got crazy, tell me I was beautiful just the way I am, and you were the first person I was intimate with. You were my first love.
I also tried to be all those things for you, but I just didn't feel adequate. You were wonderful and I was sub-parr. You never made me feel that way. It was self imposed I know, but it was there. It lurked in the back if my mind and eventually lead me to break your heart. I'm truly sorry for that, but I was convinced that there was someone else out there for you and I both.
So I went on to college and had my fun. Occasionally we would see each other, and I'd think about the way things might have been and smile. We both knew we weren't meant to be, but we never talked about it. We would see each other and pick right back up where we left the last time. Sharing new stories and reliving old ones is what we do best.
I haven't spoken to you in almost two years. In that time, I've tried to forget you, but it's been hard. I have gotten engaged to that guy I told you about. He's great; everything I've always said I wanted and more. I keep thinking of you though, and that time you were drunk and crying on the phone because I couldn't be there. You said you wanted to marry me one day. I told you of course I would marry you one day babe, but I lied. I'm marrying him. I know that it really doesn't matter to you anymore. You have completely moved on. You told me yourself the last time we talked and you said you looked at me as more of a friend than a lover now. That gave me relief and anxiety all at the same time. Like once you go through one wall of the tornado and you're sitting in the eye, waiting for the other wall to crash over you. That's where I've been for two years, waiting for that second wall but it hasn't come.
I am four months away from my marriage to a wonderful man, and I'm still waiting for the other half of the tornado that is us to hit me. I think of you so often that it makes me sick to lay beside him. I feel horrible about it and I know one day that tornado will pass over me. Hopefully you'll be happily married too so that I don't feel as guilty, but I know it will happen. When it comes, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for breaking your heart all those years ago. I also want you to know that this is the way it needs to be.
Even though you were so great, it took me seeing my fiance for me to see that we weren't that perfect. You were childish and unyielding and I was naive and selfish. These qualities built that tornado that will most likely one day come back on us, but when it does I am now ready to face it. We were not meant to be no matter how much my delusioned teenage self wants it to be.
My twenties self sees that and realizes the distruction we caused, so I wrote this letter. I can never give it to you though. I can only hope that you stumble across it one day and think of the girl who broke your heart.
