It's been almost 2 years since you left me. I have lived every month, season and holiday without you. I'm beyond happy with my life now, and I stopped missing you a very long time ago. But I have some things to say, whether you actually read this or not.
Thank you for teaching me to not be so naive. I remember trusting every word you said, stupidly believing that you wouldn’t hide things from the girl you were supposed to share everything with. Since being with you I have learned to question everything, and by doing so I uncover more truths. Now, if I trust someone it is because they have truly earned it. I no longer give away my trust freely.
Thank you for teaching me how much I hate secrets. A relationship can’t be built around half truths, and I will never accept them ever again. Thank you for letting your home be my safe haven, and letting me cry on your shoulder when life got hard. Thank you for introducing me to your family (and your dogs). Thank you for sharing them with me for the time we were together.
You seemed so different at the beginning, and what changed that I will never know. Maybe it was the constant drug use; the fact that you always loved me when you were high, or drunk, and simply tolerated me when you were sober. Or maybe the chase was better than the trophy in the end. Because when I wasn’t “yours” anymore, the chase continued. When I was no longer “yours”, you flirted and claimed to miss me – which wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to take advantage of my vulnerability and my heart just to get what you wanted. You convinced me that I missed you, and that we were happy together. I didn’t miss you, and I wasn’t happy. I missed the idea of having someone I could rely and count on. I missed having somebody I could call my best friend and my boyfriend.
You showed me every red flag. With every time i was uncomfortable and you didn’t stop. Every time I said “no” and you didn't care. Every time I said “I don't want to” and you responded with “that's not a real reason”. Thank you for showing your true colors. You made me apologize for being the way that I am, and I know now that there is nothing wrong with loving someone to my full capability. Never again will I settle for someone who can't handle all of my love. I have someone who loves every part of me, including the things I don’t like about myself. Including the things you always told me were flaws. I don’t want someone to make me feel bad about my insecurities and create new ones, or who brushes off my mental illnesses as “overreacting”.
My emotions were given to you, but they were never yours to play with and destroy. I trusted you. I gave you my time and my love but you played me for a fool. You left me upset and alone with a crushed heart, and not a damn thing to show for the time I wasted on you.
Looking back, what was even worse than you hurting me was me letting you do it. That's the thing that really gets me. It's like I was blind. When you walked into a room and saw every other girl except for me. When you gave all of your attention to other girls and couldn't be bothered to acknowledge me. When you would ignore my texts and calls for hours, and sometimes days on end. When you would criticize me in the smallest, most minute ways that almost seemed harmless. When I would call you on the phone to say hi and you had nothing to say back, I was blind. When you started spending all of your free time with her, I should've known.
You should've treated me like an equal. You should've supported my dreams. You should've participated in things that I loved, because seeing me happy should've been enough. You should've been honest. You should've been sensitive. You should've been understanding. You should've learned to stop talking and start listening. You should've realized that I would have done anything for you, and you should've been willing to do the same. I should have left you.
You know that saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” Well, you fooled me over and over again, And I am so tired of shaming myself for being fooled by you. I wanted you to be sincere, I wanted to mean so much to you, I wanted you to want me for my personality, not just my body. You abused my willingness to drop everything for you at any second. You made me fall for your lies and manipulations to get my attention and affection. I gave you everything, and even when I felt monopolized, or taken for granted, I never failed to want to give the world to you. The only mistake i made was focusing my love on you instead of myself.
I never took you for granted. You never had to hear me defend you to my friends; who tried to convince me you were no good, Who helped me pick up the pieces when you shattered my self confidence, and the friends (including the girl you left me for) who helped me off of the floor when I had a mental breakdown (because of your cruelty) in public. You never saw my mother hold me every time you made me cry, or spend months trying to help me be strong enough to leave you, or tell me over and over again that you didn’t deserve my love. You never felt her pain when she was watching her little girl go through heartbreak again and again because you convinced me that I couldn't do better. I should’ve listened to them.
Regardless of my hurt heart, the emotional abuse and manipulations... Regardless of it all, I always wanted you to be happy. I hope you can give the whole world to someone. I really hope you will one day be ready for that; I hope you’ll be ready for her. Because loving, and being loved? It’s the best high of them all
I don’t hate you. If you think I do, that’s fine by me, but it’s not true. I know how wrong we were, but I cherish the time I spent with you. I hope that you've learned about yourself, learned from your mistakes and that you will put your best foot forward with your next relationship. We made some wonderful memories, and I will never deny that. We make mistakes, we learn. I learned from you. I did it the hard way, but I learned. And, never again will I blame myself for the way you treated me. I know now that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you.
I've learned so much about myself in these past 2 years; I made amazing friends, moved to a different city, had life changing experiences, and stepped out of my comfort zone. I have someone who treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated, and I deserve this good treatment. My happy place is no longer plagued with your negativity and I am free to love and do whatever I want, free of your judgment. You and I going our separate ways was the best thing that could've happened to me.
I forgive you. Not because I’m OK with what you did to me, but because i refuse to let myself hurt anymore. The good times do not outweigh the bad, but my forgiveness outweighs the pain.
