I'd always known. I'd known there was something that really set you apart from previous boyfriends and crushes and other possible love-interests. I looked past the quirks, the questionable remarks that you sometimes gave, knowing that you chose me to be with. You chose me over anyone. Everyone. Now today I look back and see I was just telling myself that to feel better. To make an excuse as to what I subconsciously had known was taking place in your mind as you kissed me, held my hand, cuddled me, made love to me, and told me how much you "loved" me. It's absolutely not anyone's fault that you are who you are today. It's who you've always been and I was ignorant not to stop and ask myself the difference between what I wanted and what was the best (and right) thing for you.
Since we broke up, neither of us has started another relationship; for one reason or another each of us just wasn't ready. As we've progressed from good friends, to best friends, to an on-again off-again relationship, and back to being just best friends, we both have changed so much. Over the years I could feel it when you hugged me. I could hear it in your voice when you talked to me. I could see it in your eyes when you looked at me. These subtle changes went unnoticed by you, but every time I sensed it, my world flipped upside-down. It wasn't until recently that I started having dreams about you with other women, and although I knew it wasn't very plausible, I woke up crying my eyes out and overwhelmed with incredible sadness and despair. I still have feelings for you, but over the years you've made it impossible for me to tell you without feeling like a monster, forcing you into something you didn't want. And that's what I believed. Still believe, actually. Since you've come out I can't talk to you the same way. I can't talk to anyone the same way.
I know this is 1000x harder for you; coming to grips with your homosexuality is something that I haven't experienced, and never will. I can't begin to feel what you feel. What I can understand, is why you would want me to keep your coming-out on the down low. It's your business, and the fact that you wanted it in a small circle was a promise I will always keep. That is, until I found out what you told me was different from what you told everyone else. Whether it's because you didn't want me to feel bad because we dated or if you just weren't completely clear at the time, you told me that you were bisexual. I accepted you. I will always accept you no matter who you love. Always. So it came as a surprise today when I found out that you've been telling everyone that you're gay, and that I've been keeping a lie to myself.
You lied to me. To my face. When confronted, you had nothing to say. Not even an apology. It was like a kick to the fucking gut. The look on your face showed no remorse. You'd known for so long that I was nourishing a "slightly bent truth" that you planted in my brain and watched it grow into a beautiful blossoming willow tree of deception and falsification.
I hated you in those few seconds. Every cell in my body burned with the most intense rage I've felt in years. I felt as if I could kill someone with my bare hands without breaking a sweat. It instantly subsided, as I talked it all out in my head. I'm not angry with the others you told, whom probably look at me like an ignorant simpleton who can't see what's right in front of her. I'm not angry with you for being gay. It's who you are. I'm not angry with the words in which you chose to tell me. I'm angry with you for not caring about my feelings the way I have (and will) forever. Even after I told you that I would feel better with an apology. After I asked you if you feel bad and you said "should I? Because I don't".
All I want is an apology. I don't care that people look at me different. I don't care that you are who you are. I don't care that you told other people before me. I don't care that you said what you thought I wanted to hear. I care that you lied to me, then didn't see anything wrong with it. What else have you lied to me about? What do I not know? How much of our friendship has been fake? Why have you hurt me to a point where I need to anonymously rant to the internet?
I wish the best to you, because if I don't get answers I really don't see us going any further. I've never lied to you. I've never hurt you like this. I really do love you. I hope you don't hurt anyone else the way you've hurt me just in the last 12 hours.
