You weren't a stranger at a party. You didn't put anything in my drink, or follow me through a dark alley. You took the long way and gained my trust.
You were the funny boy in my church group and my English class, someone I had known since I was in grade school. We had the same pool of friends and I told you all my secrets...
You knew just what to say to tear me down.
The red flags went off soon after we moved from "friends" to a "couple". You immediately were very serious in our relationship and needed to know about every aspect of my past. You were interested in me, hanging on my every word- this was all new. You had to know where I was at all times and needed constant contact with me. you changed your class schedule to be close to me more often and you were late to many of your own classes to walk me to mine. At first, I thought you were a dream come true. I couldn't believe you cared about me so, so much.
When you learned I wasn't a virgin everything changed. Your expectations turned from interested in me to interested in how
I could make this up to you. You told me I was damaged; that I was ruined because of the mistakes I made in the past and that no one else could want me. God didn't even want me, how could I be so selfish and not save myself for a man like you? I believed you. Your every word played on each of my deepest insecurities and doubts about myself, my faith, my entire life.
Then came the ultimatums. If you don't do this, I will find someone who will.
I should have said "go, find someone else" but I didn't. I didn't want to be alone. Especially if no one else could ever want me. Why didn't I realize that I was 17 and had all the time in the world to find someone who would respect me? Because YOU made me think I didn't deserve respect.
The day you forced yourself into my mouth and held my face down until I couldn't breath and then vomited is the lowest point of my life. You left as I was crying, frustrated with me for making that more difficult than it needed to be. I told you I didn't want to do that anymore.
"You owe it to me..."
"I'll tell everyone..."
So things continued that way. I would cry, you wouldn't care. You made me take my clothes off and just stand there so you could look at me. I told you I hated that and you told me you were entitled to it as my boyfriend. To this day I'm uncomfortable being naked in front of even my husband.
I tried to end it once. You said "No. I'll see you tomorrow" and that's exactly what you did.
I couldn't speak to any of my male friends, or even to yours when we were all together. I was shamed for going to work, or for choosing to spend time alone or with any of my girl friends over you. You snuck over to my house almost every night and came through my window, even though I asked you not to. You wouldn't let me sleep. You made me lie to my friends, to my parents and to yours. I continued to lie to myself that things were okay. I mean, you hadn't raped me or anything. We didn't have sex, so that was what counted- right?
Three months in, you were ready to move further. I wasn't. Driving in my car, you said that you had told your parents that you were staying the night at a friends and that it was time. I was so scared. I couldn't stomach giving even one more piece of myself to you. I think if I had, I might not still be here.
I told you no that night, you of course continued kissing me. I parked my car outside your house and told you we were done. You shushed me and kept going. I stood firm. I was silently sobbing. Then you were yelling.
"I can't live without you."
"You used me."
"I love you."
"You can't do this to me."
But I did. I stayed buckled into my seat and didn't look at you as I said goodbye. You got out of my car, slammed the door and stood there watching me as I drove away.
The next couple weeks were an effort to get me back. Flowers on my car every morning. Notes. Suggestive or sweet text messages on the phone you had made me buy you so you could keep track of me.
Then after that came the month of guilt. Threats that you would hurt yourself or kill yourself. You were in such a state of depression that all of the friends we shared could not believe what I had done to you.
After that was the stage of sneaking- You began dating my neighbor just to keep an eye on me. You would walk past my work or my home just to see if I was there. You asked your friends to find things out about me.
At this point I thought it couldn't get worse, things had to improve eventually. But since all of this proved ineffective in bringing me back to you, you got mad.
Your anger resulted in lies. So, So many lies. I wasn't welcome in my church, in my classes, in my clubs at school. Why? Because I was a slut who tried to corrupt you- innocent, wholesome, sweet you- and then left you for another guy.
I lost almost every person who had been important to me or that I considered a friend and my life outside my home became torture. I spent my last year of high school, the one I'm supposed to remember and cherish forever, at home alone, too depressed to cry and hating myself to the point of self harm and total destruction. People would stop speaking when I walked into a room. The dirty looks and whispers from people who used to laugh and joke with me stung.
But, on the plus side, you were doing better. You had a group of girls surrounding you at all times, laughing at your jokes. You acted like I was invisible. You had won.
You stole so much from me. And still somehow thought that you were wronged in the situation.
So, to the man that put the idea in my head that I was useless, who tried to show me that I was worth nothing more than my body and the way it could please him. To the boy who thought consent was more of a formality than a necessity in a relationship- I want you to know you still haunt me. I hear your name in my job or in characters on TV and become nauseated. I read news stories about women who were in similar or worse situations, or I pass the place you would make me park- and I physically become sick over what happened all those years ago. I never spoke out against you to the group of people you made hate me because I still believed that the majority of our problems were my fault. But the truth is I said NO and that should have been enough.
I Hope you've changed. I see you with your new girlfriend and I pray that she is safe. I hope you grow up and have a daughter. I hope you then realize that if anyone ever treated her the way you treated me, you would kill them.
I think that every time I look at my daughter. She should never have to do more than just mention she doesn't want someone to touch her, to speak to her, to even LOOK at her. Nothing has made me hate you more than watching her grow and live her beautiful life knowing I once had that joy too. To be told you don't own the right to your own body because someone else feels entitled to is inhumane.
You told me you were sorry one time. You came around a corner of an aisle in a grocery store, not paying attention, and ran right into me.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" you asked it almost out of habit before even realizing it was me. It had been a couple years since we had seen eachother. I was married, 7 months pregnant, and visiting my home town. We kind of just stood there in silence and I couldn't even bring myself to say yes. I just nodded and smiled. "good to see you" you said as you walked away. I couldn't speak, mostly because I could feel the bile climbing up my throat from being face to face with you.
But really, you should be sorry. For everything. Every day of your life, you should be sorry.
And I am still doing everything I can to forgive you, to take away your power so you CANNOT continue to haunt me.
