When i was in second grade i had a crush on this boy. He was funny and cute, and i liked him the way any girl likes a boy in second grade. When i was in seventh grade this boy became my boyfriend. He came to my house and watched movies, picked on my mom and my sisters and hung out with my brother. When i was in 8th we were still together and I loved him. I know I did. He made me happy. Just seeing him made me smile. I wrote him poems and he drew me pictures. He bought me a cross knecklace and i bought him a dog chain knecklace. When I was in 9th grade, we broke up. He started seeing other girls, but would still come to my house because of my cousin. He was still there for me, told me loved me and that he always would. When i was in 10th grade he got with my bestfriend. She asked me if it was ok and i lied and told her yes. They dated for the rest of our high school days. Meanwhile I was patiently waiting for him to come back to me. I watched them laugh together, hold hands, go to prom together, dance together and it broke my heart. After we graduated they broke up, she started college and he applied to welding school. Before he went to welding school, we hung out alot. I was so excited just to be seeing him every day. Even though he was interested in my other friend. One night we were drinking at her house, and i watched them together, once again i didnt want to say anything in of losing them both. So i just watched, i went to the bathroom and cried for what felt like hours. When i came back out he asked why i was crying. I made up a story about my mamaw. When we finally we went to pass out, i had to help him to bed, to his shoes off and tucked him in. He asked me to lay with him until he fell asleep, so i did. Looking back I wish I would of said no. Cause even though nothing physically happened, something else did. I laid there and just listened to rythym of his heart, felt breath against my cheek, his arms around me, and it felt like home. I felt like i was where i belonged, peaceful, safe. I loved him in 8th grade but this was the moment i realized just how much i loved him, how much i needed him in my life. But wouldnt you know, once again life happened. We soon drifted apart again. Now, i am laying here at 2:30 am, 11 days before his wedding and i am in so much pain. Wishing, i wouldnt of waited so long, that i would of just went to the couch that night. Because he isnt going to come back to me. He has found the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and im here still hopelessly in love. Im terrified, they say there is that one person in life who we will always love even though we werent meant to be with them. I cant go on, wishing to be with him, needing him, and not being able to have him. It hurts so bad. I've loved himnfor 7 years, waited for him and hurt over him for 5 years. I cant do this for the rest of my life. But i cant dig myself out of this hole. I still have that picture he drew me, the knecklace he bought me and every picture we took together. Does he still have the knecklace and if he does, does he remember where he got it? Does he remember the poem? Im tired of these thoughts, this hurt. I just need it to stop.
