I firmly believe that at some point we all go through a quarter-life crisis. I think I've just gone through mine.In the summer of 2016 I have grown as a person, as a friend, as an employee, and as a result I no longer feel like I connect with the people who have been my best friends for the entirety of my university career.
The girls who have always been my go-to for rants and random conversation now feel like the oil to my water. For instance, I am perpetually single and I’m okay with that. In the past I haven’t felt equipped to enter a relationship because I knew I was still figuring out who I was and that was something I needed to do alone. Now I know who I am and I know what I want, and finding love is far from the top of my priorities list. I’m comfortable on my own, and I don’t mind being the fifth wheel when we are all together, but when that is the case it becomes quite clear that I’m in a different mind space than the others.
My closest friends are now in committed relationships, they have conversations about marriage, children, where they’ll live, and I can’t relate. I don’t want to relate.
While my friends are thinking about their shared monthly payments and when they want to have children, my thoughts are admittedly self-centred. I’m trying to set myself on the best path to complete my BA and a tourism management program. I’m booking plane tickets and making reservations at expensive restaurants für eine. I want to build my life. And then I want to continue building it based on what’s best for me.
My mother has always stressed the importance of two things to my sister and myself: education and independence. I’d go on record to say that we’ve both managed quite well in those respects.
I’ve stopped regarding myself as twenty-one-years-young and begun looking towards the future, as many of us do once we realize the real world is closer than you expect. Now I’m twenty-one-going-on-retired. I want to plan for my life and establish myself.
This summer in particular I’ve been working in a new position in a job that I have always enjoyed. For the first time I was in a position of true leadership (the word “Leader” is in my job title) and along the way I discovered things about myself and characteristics that I never thought myself capable of displaying. I am 21 years old and finally loving who I am, but with that comes people who might not love these changes as much as I do.
At the moment what’s best for me isn’t a husband and 2.5 kids. In fact, I don’t want children at all. I love babies, toddlers make my heart melt, and I’d be honoured to help a pre-teen transition into adulthood, but I can’t imagine myself in that role. People will often say that I’m too young to know that I won’t want kids. First of all people never tell you when you’re 5 that you’re too young to know that you want kids when you grow up, and I’m grown now so why would it be okay to question that now? Second, who are you at all to ever tell me that I don’t know what I want.
I’ve considered a hundred and one career choices, I’ve waffled over the idea of going blonde, and I’ve been apartment hunting. My point is I know indecision. I recognize when I’m not certain about something. I’m certain that I love to travel, and that the day I stop wanting to pack my bags and take off is the day my heart stops beating. I know that I’ll happily work 12 hours a day if I enjoy what I’m doing. I admit that I’m a workaholic because once I’ve committed to a task I give it everything that I have. And then some. I’m aware that I’m going into a field of work that doesn’t boast high salaries. I can say that while I’m alone I’m not lonely. I am firm in my convictions. I don’t want children.
Along with finding my strengths I’ve come to terms with my weaknesses. After months and months of trying different routines and doses I’ve found a nice little combo of medication and lifestyle that allows me to control my anxiety and bring me out of my depression. Boom! Clarity. I’ve accepted that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol. That’s not to say that I’m an alcoholic or that I drink every day but that when I do drink I tend to go off the deep end. I’m not perfect nor will I ever be, but that’s no reason to allow myself to continue drinking into oblivion. I now value myself and my future far too much.
As a result of my quarter life crisis I am a different person. I've never been one to mess around, but now I feel no guilt for going after what I want.
So what exactly is it that I want? I want happiness. I want adventure. I want a fluffy kitty.
I want to surprise myself. I want to live up to and surpass all expectations.
I want to be true to myself.
This rant boils down to this: I love my friends, but we aren’t on the same path. If someone you knew was in a relationship, and you knew that it wouldn’t work out, would you encourage it? It’s hard to let go of someone, and while I may not be leaving them behind completely, I know that I need to work on cultivating new relationships with like-minded people.
This is the first time that I’ve broken up with someone. Only this time, it’s really not them. It’s me.
